2018 State of the Race: Freshman Caucus Elections

To all non-freshmen, it’s clear that the snail race known as the Freshman Caucus presidency is quite similar to the sophomore class: a quick phase that people will (hopefully) grow out of. But for those candidates who have been doggedly covering the hallways in decidedly un-dank memes, this race is more important than the spaces in a VHL free response question. While both the News and Features departments refuse to cover the race, calling it “a footnote on a footnote,” we at the Humor department have your back. That’s why we’ve compiled countless interviews, vertical photos (even the Photos department abandoned us on this one), and commentary to present you with The Spectator’s 2018 State of the Race!

Your FAQ’s (Freshmen Apathy Questions):

Who is running?

We can confirm that there are a lot of candidates. However, due to the extreme cringiness of the posters and flyers present in the hallways, we cannot determine the names of the freshmen in this race.

What motivates these candidates to run?

We still can’t tell. Colleges have told us that people who mention even contemplating running for Freshman Caucus president are immediately rejected. Still, many of these candidates told us that they were “going to put this on [their] resumé.”

What are the primary issues?

It appears that the candidates have, in the traditional style, come up with impossible tasks to try and attract voters. These include:

* Implanting neural linkups into Stuy students instead of distributing ID cards, thus allowing people to enter and exit the building multiple times during lunch

* Bulldozing all classrooms on the seventh and eighth floors in order to expand the library so that no students are kicked out

* Hiring a squadron of engineer-ninjas who can keep every single escalator at Stuy in peak condition

There have been some rumors of some freshmen petitioning for “bio frees,” but even freshmen have to recognize how stupid that is.

“Honestly, we were going to use [bio frees] as a part of our campaign, but we were told by the administration that they would invoke the wrath of the Program Office upon us if we tried to get [bio frees] on the ballot,” yet another unremarkable freshman claiming to be running for president said. “Did you get my name down, by the way? I’m ***** *** and I’m running for president.”

Why should I vote?

If you wish to feel a vague sense of pride at participating in a non-democratic popularity contest, please submit your vote, and explain why you feel this way to us at wedontcare@stuyspec.com.

What should determine who I vote for?

It’s understandable that many (read: all) of the candidates present similar (read: the same) solutions to common concerns (read: irrelevant non-issues), but we’ve got you covered. Simply ask Siri, Alexa, Google Assistant, or your AI of choice to roll a die for you. Read the number, decide it means you really don’t need to vote in this race, and go home to watch news coverage of the national Election Day.