2023-2024’s Hottest New Clubs!

One of the many appeals of Stuyvesant is the myriad of wonderful clubs and extracurricular activities we offer. From Speech and Debate to Science Olympiad, these are some of the best opportunities in the city. And the selection only grows wider every year! Whether you’re an incoming freshman trying to find your place or an upperclassman looking to expand your horizon, check out the following fantastic, cutting-edge clubs.

1. The FART Club

The Forensic Analysis of Re-decaying Textiles Club seeks to understand the terrestrial impact of the mass production of textiles during the British Industrial Revolution. The research done by members of this club has been phenomenal, but we want to also be transparent regarding the day-to-day workings of the FART. We had the opportunity to speak to some students who were previously involved with the club. Here are a few of their comments:

1. “You know, I thought the topic of this club would really STINK, but it just sucked.” 
2. “Hidden behind the FART was something bigger and better that no one could have predicted.”
3. “We all thought the research process would be quick and smooth, but it actually was really exciting, loud, and explosive. No regrets!”

2. Naptime Club

Are you a sleepy little Stuyvesant student? Does your wittle bwain huwt and get so tired from all the tough homework you get assigned every night? Well, look no further. In this club, the objective is to sleep, which is a surprisingly challenging task for most Stuy students given that they have conditioned themselves to value a numerical assessment of their performance over basic biological needs. Diapers are supplied. 

3. AP Naptime Club

The Afternoon Power Nap Club seeks to train both your body and your mind. In this club, it is tradition to only sleep if you are outside, on the Tribeca Bridge, half-naked, while planking. You may be surprised to learn that this club has about 100 times more members than the normal nap time club, as Stuyvesant students turn into zombies upon seeing the letters “AP” and cannot physically resist the urge to sign up. In a triumph of innovation, this club has even developed a radical “double diapering” method. “It’s a real game-changer,” said a senior who initially gave us his name, but then quickly changed his mind and begged to remain anonymous.

4. The Judge Silently Club

Every day, one member of this club stands in front of everyone else and gives a presentation on something they’re really passionate about. Then, instead of constructive criticism, the audience stays completely silent and stares at the presenter with horrifying looks of disgust and disapproval. This goes on for about two to three hours before the presenter inevitably gives up and leaves the auditorium in tears. So far no presenter has survived the onslaught of passive aggression. Will you be the first?

5. Grass-Eating Club

For these students, just touching or smelling grass isn’t quite enough. They need to introduce the next best sense—taste. Every Tuesday after the sun sets, you’ll see these Stuy students crawling around on all fours in Rockefeller Park. Whatever you do, do NOT disturb them, as they are known to show aggression towards humans. Other proposed names for the club include the lawn-munchers and the cow-cosplayers.

Well, we don’t have the space to explain every club, so here is a list of a few more you might be interested in:

The Cardboard Box Club

The Poop Emoji Club

The American Football Club for people who hate sports

The Crocheting Club for people who love sports

The Magenta and Bright Orange Club

The Movie Club, but only movies from 1910s Ireland that include actress Mary Charleson

The Music Club, but only music from 1910s Ireland composed by Sir Hamilton Harty

And finally, the Anti-Recycling Club (their basketball game vs. the members of the Environmental Club is scheduled for next week! The losers will face public execution.)

We hope that you, dear reader, will consider the clubs mentioned above. And seriously, we cannot stress it enough, do not get within 20 feet of the Grass Eaters after 9 p.m. on Tuesdays. Seriously.