A Eulogy for Obama

We have gathered here today to mourn the death of our beloved #forevermypresident Barack Obama. Obama is more than dearly missed and remains in our hearts forever.

To fully understand the trajectory of Obama’s life, we have to start from the beginning. A very, extremely, bigly reputable source has long asserted that Obama was born in a small Kenyan village to two devout Muslim, lesbian mothers in the impoverished country of Africa.

Obama studied by lamplight every night until he fell asleep tangled among his 32 half-siblings, finally writing his way out of his small hut and misery to infiltrate the United States with the sole purpose of becoming its president.

Obama had his faults—that same reputable source tells us that Obama is solely responsible for the 2008 global recession and that Obama is a race-baiter. But there was something about him: his cheerful disposition would let us know that things were going to get better—no more; now we just cry.

When Obama departed from our world to the sunny realm of Tahiti, he left a great void behind, a void that would seek to tear apart his very existence. Obama tried to prevail until the very end, but it was just too much for him.

The majority of us didn’t ask for the fate that came to Obama. But Ohio did. And for some reason that the world has been struggling to understand, Ohio matters. Obama suffered his first fall on November 8, 2017, when we all were desperately trying to refresh Google—because this time, Google wasn’t being funny.

Obama finally collapsed on January 20, a day marked by the stormy tears of God. Since then, we’ve been warily watching as America becomes q-white an interesting place.

But we cannot grieve forever. Start studying for that Canadian citizenship test. It’s what Obama would have wanted.