A Glorious New Vision: Humor’s Plans for the Future

To the citizens of Stuyvesant High School,

We, the Humor department, are pleased to inform you that on March 14, 2022, we launched two successful coups. One was against the school newspaper, formerly known as The Spectator. Starting today, the newspaper will be called The Disrespectator. This should remind you all who’s in charge: us. The other coup was against the Stuyvesant administration, resulting in the faculty surrendering complete control over the school to us. For two weeks, we’ve been working in total secrecy to make a smooth transition to power and have been preparing ourselves to publicly take up the mantle as the new rulers of Stuyvesant.

Some of you are wondering how we’ll revamp the school. What will we do to make your lives better? Worry not, dear children. Under our leadership, Stuyvesant shall be ushered into a long period of prosperity and greatness. It is best not to resist this change, for both the good of the school and for your own personal safety.

Changes must be made, however, for our reign in this glorious era. As you may have noticed, we’ve torn down the senior bar to make space for two impressive statues of our supreme Humor editors. Instead of using student IDs to swipe in, students will place offerings at the statues’ feet. Acceptable offerings include family heirlooms, coffee, and cash (credit is currently not accepted, but we are working to implement it). Sophomores taking Computer Science graciously offered (and were not blackmailed) to design software that scanned security camera footage to find students who neglect offerings. These students will be given 10th-floor lockers as punishment.

Furthermore, you are required to take AP Humor History in order to graduate. This course discusses our department’s renowned past and rise to power. You will learn about the great successes each editor has accomplished and fat Yoshi and discover the beauty we have brought to this school. If you have any doubts as to whether we deserve to rule or not, this class should assuage your fears. Second-term seniors will have to take this course over the summer: L + ratio to them.

Students must also watch the new Stuyvesant orientation film we have created, which includes important information such as who the Humor writers are as well as what candies and flowers they prefer. This is pertinent, as you are expected to shower the writers with gifts should you see them in the hallways. Writers are the imperial guards of Humor’s rule and they deserve to be treated with utmost respect. Their power is unique and comes from a history of greatness within the department; it cannot be achieved by any ordinary student.

Finally, we stress the importance of respecting this change in leadership. The old administration was weak. They allowed fatal flaws, such as freshmen and broken vending machines, to thrive. We will not be as merciful to weakness. Allow our iron fists to rule. See what we can do, and you will be throwing yourselves to the ground in worship. You will love us, whether you want to or not.

Best,

The Most Glorious Department, Humor