A Letter to the Freshmen

To the class of 2028, 

It is done. You passed the SHSAT or were accepted into the Discovery Program and got into Stuyvesant. Now, nearly every day for the next four years, you will walk across the Tribeca Bridge, feeling all high and mighty because you attend the top high school in New York City. You are going to strut past the elementary school kids across the street with your nose high in the air and think to yourself, Wow. These kids could never be me and that is depressing. For them. You are going to ask random high schoolers which school they go to, not because you want “to make friends,” but because you just want the opportunity to say that you go to StUyVeSaNt. Well, what if I told you that you are wrong? What if I told you that you do not really belong here at Stuyvesant and that you are just a Stuy wannabe, just like three-fourths of every Bronx Science graduating class? Read the following questions and I will tell you the answer. But be warned, you may hate the truth just as much as Mr. Moran hates headphones. 

Q: If I had an 85+ average in middle school, does that mean Stuyvesant is the place for me?

A: WRONG! An 85+ average is nowhere near good enough. Nor are 90s, 95s, or 100 averages. What? Did your jaw just drop? Not even a 100 average is good enough to call yourself a true Stuyvesant student? The answer is no. You are supposed to excel so tremendously in middle school that a new grading system has to be created to even out the playing field. But you failed—your grades were not good enough and your middle school GPA has spoken: you peaked in preschool. 

Q: If I have good time management skills, does that mean I will succeed at Stuyvesant?

A: Absolutely… NOT. No Stuyvesant student has good time management skills. And if you claim that you do, you are either lying or are a fraud. You might as well go pack up your locker and apply to your zoned school, because by the looks of it, if you do not leave now, you will become a caffeine addict with testing anxiety debating which grades are sacrificeable. 

Q: If I have already received my Geometry (and maybe Algebra II) credits, how will math be for me at Stuyvesant because I am one to two years ahead?
A: HORRIBLE. You are going to be so proud of yourself because your math classes sound so much cooler than your friends’, but once you open the door to your math classroom, you will be done for. All of the upperclassmen in the room will slowly turn their heads and scrutinize you until you are nothing but a crumb of school lunch pizza. You will be eaten alive faster than you can run out of a classroom at the end bell. 

Q: If I already know which college I want to go to, will that make the college application process easier for me in my senior year at Stuyvesant?
A: What do you mean you already know which college you want to go to? News flash: that is not how this works. You should feel so uncomfortable and stressed regarding colleges that your heart races, your palms are sweaty, your knees are weak, your arms are heavy, and your salivary glands begin secreting extreme amounts of saliva. Your feelings towards which college you will attend should be so bipolar that one day you think you are going to BMCC, and then the next day you think you are going to Harvard. After, you will think you will not even make it to college, then the next day you will think you will be accepted into every Ivy League, and the cycle will restart. There is no such thing as knowing which college you want to go to at Stuyvesant; there are just too many options. Plus, Stuy is preparing you for the unexpected. You may have zero exams this week and then 100 the next—who knows?

So, have I convinced you yet that you are just another Stuy poser, clinging to the idea that you belong here? If I have, well, congratulations! You are finally seeing things clearly—you can save yourself years of pain and caffeine dependence. Trust me, I am a very wise person. I have lived through swiping MetroCards, having more than one science double per week, and the old end/start/passing period bells (which were a million times better than the current ones). But if you are still not convinced, I suggest you go back and read the mock questions and answers again, probably slower this time. Maybe even print it out, highlight the key points, and ask yourself why you are so desperate to convince yourself that you belong at Stuyvesant. Spoiler alert: denial is not just a river in Egypt, and your misplaced confidence is not going to change the reality of what it takes to survive at Stuy. 

But in all honesty, this whole article was satire. Congratulations on getting into Stuyvesant, each and every one of you really do deserve it. Your upperclassmen will not eat you alive (even if you are better at math than them) and will actually support you. I wish you the best year ever and good luck!