A Lost Voyager’s Guide to the Outside

It has been one heck of a year (or more, I’m not really sure at this point). Being inside a whole lot more than before is certainly rough, but your creaky joints should be able to get back into the groove. I know you miss committing various petty crimes with your friends or looking like a fool as you trip on a flat sidewalk in front of your crush (don’t worry, it happens to the best of us). “But Krista, I can’t just GO outside?” Fear not, young one, for you can! This seemingly simple task I’m asking of you might appear daunting, but I have taken the liberty of doing most of the heavy lifting for you. For your utmost convenience, I’ve compiled a truly riveting to-do list to get you grooving like it’s 1972 again. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but you see this little list I made for you? Yeah, you can complete it all by your lonesome self if you’ve become scared of your friends or something. Report back once you’ve had fun and felt an emotion because I’m not sure how long it’s been since you’ve done that.

Wake up. This one’s going to make completing the rest of these steps a lot easier.

Put your right shoe on your right foot and another right shoe on your left foot. This isn’t the order you remember, but it’s the new fashion trend nowadays, so you need to get used to it.

Step outside. Use whatever opening is available in your dwelling, whether it’s a door (pretty overrated in my opinion, but go off I guess) or a window of sorts; as long as it gets you outside, you’re good.

Immediately start locating every red-eyed tree frog in the Amazon rainforest. This might pose a challenge, as you need to get to the Amazon rainforest first. Fortunately enough for you, 20 percent of it has already been deforested, so your task of locating frogs shouldn’t be that hard.

Befriend a large cat while you’re in the Amazon. You look confused. Why? Mowgli didn’t risk his life for you to not follow in his footsteps.

Run the equivalent of a 10k three times around one tree of your choosing. By the time you’re done, you’ll forget what your name is, so if you hate your name, I guess this is a plus for you.

Complete a triathlon to get home. Oh, I forgot to mention that you should’ve brought a bike with you. That’s not really my problem, so you better get inventive.

If you happen to see Neil Armstrong walking down the street in your triathlon-induced delusions on your way home, wave hello. It’s only polite.

For every dog you see, do 15 burpees. Your articulations definitely need some lubrication, and what better way to give them that than to start exercising in the middle of the road? If you dare to tell me you saw no dogs, go back outside and find some. You’ve already located all of the Amazon’s red-eyed tree frogs.

You’ve made it this far, and for that, I applaud you. Now repeat this sequence for three to four more rounds and then find a cure to every ailment on the planet.

I’m genuinely proud of you for having taken the time out of your day to go off into the world and be knockoff Bear Grylls. If you’re reading down here and you haven’t completed the list, congrats—you just made me sad. Anyway, now’s as good a time as any to warn you about some things before you go on your quest, though by now you should have already come back in one to three pieces.

Firstly, you’ll want to pack some bug spray. Not for bugs, but just to mask your own odor. Degree MotionSense Dry Spray can only last for so long. Next, it’d be nice if you could bring me back some mushroom samples (for no reason whatsoever). Oh, they’re hallucinogenic and can be profited off of? Well, I’ll be. I simply had no idea of such a thing. Lastly, maybe take a jacket with you. Who knows, maybe the Amazon’s got some reverse global warming, creating a gentle breeze. Always take a jacket. That’s the end of my spiel. I hope this guide serves you well, fair traveler. Bon voyage!