A Turkey Social Experiment

It’s that time of year again. As Stuy approaches Thanksgiving, the complacency of the beginning of the year evaporates, semester one grades fail to meet expectations, anguished cries ring throughout the halls, and every test somehow brings an opportunity to move closer to rock bottom. 

Luckily, Stuy happens to provide a great opportunity for students! Around this time, students might be anxiously fantasizing about the dream academic comeback, but all of their problems pale in comparison when compared with the predicament that turkeys face this month: fending for their lives. To help students understand their problems from a more optimistic perspective, Stuyvesant is planning to implement a new experiment that involves exposing students to a “worst-case scenario.” The Spectator has received note of certain information regarding this mysterious opportunity, which has been met with mixed reactions.

“You know, we should acknowledge that students here have it pretty tough,” Assistant Principal of Security Brian Moran said. “In fact, when I encounter a student, they frequently seem to cower in fear or make strange whimpering sounds. Well, I did take their AirPods, and I might be, as they like to phrase it, ‘a D1 opp,’ but that’s beside the point. As a school, we should do what we can to support our students, and sometimes, that can be difficult. Fortunately, we’ve set up an experiment to help our students recognize true adversity so that they can unlock their true potential!”
Principal Yu agreed. “It’s truly a unique opportunity, even tailored based on current events! We tried to decide what might be even tougher than Stuy, and the psychological torture that turkeys go though before Thanksgiving came to mind. The next problem was that we had to replicate this in a school setting. It didn’t seem very humane to threaten to cook students, but we came up with the next best option! Academics are pretty important to the students here, so to simulate the feeling of impending doom that turkeys go through, students will go through a series of trials and tribulations directly before Thanksgiving break. The subjects in this social experiment will be freshmen. They’re optimistic, willing to participate, and have no regard for safety! And yes, we DID take into consideration the mental health of our students. They’ll figure it out, trust me. It’s why they’re at this school, right?”

Moran further elaborated on the details of the experiment, specifying that “in the lead-up to Thanksgiving, if students don’t hand in every homework assignment late, with all the wrong answers written down, they will be transferred to Brooklyn Tech. The day before Thanksgiving, all will be scheduled to take tests in every single one of their classes, with a proctor constantly checking to make sure that they get everything wrong.” 

After a freshman heard rumors of the situation, they expressed overall disbelief with a slight note of concern. “From the bits and pieces I’ve heard, I don’t think what they’re doing is legal, which is why this will all probably be nothing, but if it happens, I’m going to crash out!”

A sophomore also commented, “Now that I’m out of that awful class, I can use my elite Honors Geometry skills to prove how bad this situation is, but I won't do anything to stop it. Not my problem, you know? Anyway, it sounds like this experiment is going to lead to a whole lot of failure. If the parents of those freshmen are anything like mine, they would preach that failures are homeless. By the transitive property, it looks like a lot of Stuy’s class of 2028 will grow up to be homeless!”
However, not everyone was disappointed by the developments, with some suggesting that it could be beneficial.

“Assuming these freshmen recover, they might be taking and passing AP Chem next year,” pointed out chemistry teacher Michael Orlando. “From the looks on some of my students’ faces after one of my tests, this experiment might be good practice.” 

“After four years here, nothing surprises me anymore,” an anonymous senior said. “Maybe it’ll be good for those freshies, whipping them into shape for what’s to come. I’m just glad it’s not me.”

The Spectator will report on new developments as they come, but for the time being, all seems to be running smoothly. Well, everything except the average Stuy freshman’s academic career and the lifespan of most turkeys in the United States, that is.