“Administration Enforces Sleep”

Despite the recent 10-day break, students were returning to school feeling drowsy. With over 98.7 percent of students sleeping in class, many teachers got fed up and were left unable to teach their classes.

“I’ve literally never seen anything like this,” geometry teacher David Peng said.

“When I randomly wake someone up, it’s like they’ve forgotten what a proof is. This has gotten so out of hand that I had to reteach them what a triangle is.”

Seeing the administration’s growing desperation to solve this problem, freshman Emma Tong came up with a plan that she believed would benefit thousands of students in Stuyvesant.

A few days later, Tong decided to talk to Principal Eric Contreras about her plan. Though skeptical at first, Contreras grew increasingly interested in the plan over time.

“It’s actually quite genius, you know,” Contreras remarked. “All we have to do is enforce eight hours of sleep a night, and all of our problems will be solved. The students will love us for giving them so much sleep, and the school can finally resume the plan of brainwashing them. We’ll just dock half a point off their overall average if they sleep for less than eight hours. That would scare them silly. Eventually, we’ll have well-rested and energetic students for the first time in Stuyvesant’s history. It’s perfect!”

Despite mandating all students to get a healthy amount of sleep, this did not have the desired effect that the administration had initially hoped for. The policy has had no lasting effect thus far due to the difficulty of enforcing it and was quickly met by negative feedback from students and teachers alike.

“Not only have my grades suffered, but it’s basically impossible to get eight hours of sleep considering the amount of time that we spend on Facebook,” sophomore Ruby Huang said.

“I have no idea what the staff was doing when it implemented this policy,” Algebra 2 teacher Aziz Jumash said. “The kids are supposed to cry over their impossible homework every night, not sleep.”

Though the policy continues to get all sorts of negative feedback, the administration will continue attempting to enforce sleep until every Stuyvesant student can function in class again.