An Anthology of Accounts Associated with the Dealer of IDs

Customer 1: Sketchy High Schooler

“So, what can I get for you?” asked a staticky voice from inside the wooden planks of the Tribeca Bridge.

“Hello? Who’s there?” asked a suspicious teenager, bending down and peering into the planks, trying to find the source of the voice.

“It is I, the Forger of all IDs, I’ve got fake NYC IDs, drivers licenses, college IDs, and anything else you could possibly think of. So, would you like to commit any fraud today?” the voice whispered.

“Hmm… you know, since I happen to be right next to the most prestigious highschool in New York City, why not infiltrate!” “Sure! I’d like a Stuyvesant ID, please!” he told the voice in the ground after a few seconds of thought.

“Coming right up! That’ll cost 10 points off your GPA, please!” the voice responded.

“Eh, my grades can handle that easily! That’s only like, 30 percent of my GPA, I can afford to spend that! Here you go!” the student smiled, thinking of all the compliments he would receive once he showed his parents.

The student proudly marched into the school the next day with their new ID, confidently swiping the card at the scanners.

“Sir, get back here, it says your ID doesn’t exist!” someone shrieked at the student.

Customer Review: -4/10, I wasted 10 points of my GPA for NOTHING!! I only have 20 GPA points left to spend, which isn’t even enough to buy admission into Stuyvesant Elementary School!!

Customer 2: Delusional Middle Aged Man

“I’M ONLY 19, LET ME GO BACK TO COLLEGE!” cried a rather old looking man, sitting up suddenly in his bed in the insane aSTUYlum.

“Oh, I can help you with that. I make fake IDs, I can get you into college!” replied the voice in the walls. 

“Really? You can?? Oh gosh that’s great!! Could you make an ID for BMCC?”

“Why would you even want to go there?? There’s so many better options, like Stuyvesant High School!”

“Well, I heard they have a chocolate fountain in their cafeteria and who doesn’t love chocolate”

“I don’t but anyways, here you go!” An arm reached out of the cushioned walls and handed an ID card to the man.

Just then, a nurse walked in and saw him with the card and brought out their walkie talkie. “Patient 28, age 37, has somehow acquired an ID and is talking about going to college again—why me?” A group of men came in and held him down as they took the ID away.

“NO, NOT MY BMCC ID, I NEED IT TO GO TO COLLEGE! I DON’T WANNA GO BACK TO STUYYYYYYYY!”

Customer review: -10/10, it got taken away instantly and now I have to go back to Stuy, ew. And this is all your fault because you must have been secretly working with them or something! Hmph! 

Customer 3: Hardened, Nine Year Old Criminal

The bank burst into flames as a young child waddled out with a duffel bag of money, a smirk on his face, and a skull-shaped pacifier in his mouth.

“Hey, kid, the police are already after you!” a mysterious voice whispered to him. “You better get a fake ID before they catch you and take away your recess period for life!”

“Ooooh, great idea, gimme one, quick!” demanded the child.

“Alright alright, here ya go, but what are you going to giv-” The child pulled out a spiked rattle and held it up threateningly.

“Woah woah, don’t kill me please! You can have that one for free! Sike, only polite little kids can be customers of mine. Bye~” the voice faded as if it had never been there before.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Cried the child as policemen came to take him to Stuyvesant jail, one of the worst places known to mankind.

Customer review: -100000/10, because of that guy I’m stuck in jail and it sucks here. I have to eat this yucky frozen food and there isn’t even any recess time in this jail. I can’t even do anything bad otherwise I get sent to the principal’s office and my lunch time gets taken away!