An Interview with Mark Zuckerberg

Unless they have been living in a cave for most of their life, any student at Stuyvesant has heard of Facebook and how it is the main way to communicate at Stuy. Considering how Facebook’s name comes up in the news every other day, I decided to investigate its inner workings. After attempts to breach their security via finding their emails and typing the almost universal password “password” and failing, I contacted Facebook directly and hosted an interview with their current CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, through a passionate email and pretending to be an admirer by the name of Invan Sta. Gater. Below is the transcribed interview.

SHAH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. Just to clear any and all legal bases, are you fully aware that this interview is being recorded and that I reserve the right to do what I see fit with the audio recording?

ZUCKERBERG: I give my consent for the recording. It's refreshing to have an email that isn't from an angry parent, annoyed 10 year old, or the US government subpoenaing me.

SHAH: Based on your security policy, 10 year olds are not supposed to be able to access your apps. Also, how did you know those emails were sent by 10 year olds?

ZUCKERBERG: I have been advised by my lawyers to not answer that question.

SHAH: Okay… anyway, as you are aware, we’re here to discuss the situation at Stuyvesant High School. Have you ever been informed that the main form of communication is currently through Facebook Messenger?

ZUCKERBERG: Yes, I am aware.

SHAH: Can you please tell me why this is the case?

ZUCKERBERG: I do not follow.

SHAH: Currently, Facebook is involved in multiple scandals. Some of these scandals feature the spread of misinformation on your site. Another scandal is that a company you own, Instagram, allegedly refuses to enforce its own rules about the rampant increase in eating disorder posts and its effects on teens. Isn't giving impressionable adolescents, like Stuyvesant students, access to this information a very bad idea?

ZUCKERBERG: Well, we really don't care a- ... I mean, that’s a really hard question to answer. I’m afraid I am not at liberty to discuss this information until the team at Facebook investigates this alleged problem.

SHAH: However, since there appears to be a risk of Stuy students developing insecurities and a crippling addiction to your platform, shouldn't Stuyvesant avoid making it their platform of choice?

ZUCKERBERG: No. The profit margin … I mean Facebook has many benefits that make it more attractive to school officials. Some of these benefits are the lack of a thumbs down button, easy ability to see what your students are doing, the ability to watch and laugh remotely as student friendships fall apart without the need for in-school fights, and the copious amounts of brib… My lawyers have advised me to not answer the question. They have also informed me to say that I would in no way consider students getting addicted to using Facebook a good thing. They have also told me to talk about how students use Facebook, like how they use emojis and reactions to showcase how they feel about conversations and how easy it is to connect to people to chat online.

SHAH: Since it appears that my major question has been answered, my final question is this: when you renamed Facebook “Meta'', was this an attempt to erase the records of Facebook's many scandals? Are you aware “Meta'' sounds like the Hebrew word for death?

ZUCKERBERG: I am unable to comment on the first question at this time. To the second question, the word “Meta” was meant to be the shortened version of “Metaverse,” which is the next frontier that Facebook wishes to expand into. As for the meaning of the word “Meta,” I often refer to the following proverb: “A robot doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of the sheep.”

SHAH: You mean “a lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of the sheep,” right?

ZUCKERBERG:

At this point, the call got cut off and I was unable to reconnect to Zuckerberg’s office. While it is a shame that the call had to end so abruptly, I have confidence that we will be able to uncover why Stuyvesant is so reliant on Facebook. Now, once my inbox stops getting emails from law offices asking for a non-disclosure agreement, I’ll continue my investigation and finally dig up the truth.