An Investigation Into Missing People During the Holiday Season

Breaaaaaaaaaaking news coming in from a quaint little high school in lower Manhattan: many students have gone missing within the past month! We, the Spec’s humble Humor department, are here to interview some of the local students to shed light on the issue.

Interviewer: Hey, you guys! Yes, the tall ones! Can you tell me a little bit about the missing students at Stuyvesant High School?

Student A: Ummm, sure? Yeah, my friend hasn’t been in school for a while. At first, I thought they were on that college app grind, but it got really weird when they still didn’t show up after the UC deadlines. I remember the last thing they texted me was that they had some kind of job obligation? Not really sure what it was.

Student B: Yeah, my friend disappeared too. I thought they were just skipping gym class (as  usual), but I haven’t seen them at all recently. I wonder if you guys have? They’re about 5’1 to 5’2, gremlin-like, bite people occasionally, and bully tall people for the fun of it (and to assert dominance, I guess).

Student C: Not really sure what’s going on, but a lot of my shorter friends are gone. I didn’t really notice until the second or third week because they’re usually below my peripheral vision, and I have to tilt my head directly down to talk to them. I don’t know—maybe it’s a good thing. I can definitely feel my neck and posture getting better these past few days from bending down less often.

Student D: OHHH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT! It’s an annual thing. So you know how Santa has to bring gifts to every child in the world? Yeah, well, turns out that’s a lot of work. So every year, Santa recruits anyone below the height of 5’4 (which is canonically Olaf’s height from Frozen) as elves to help him prepare for the upcoming winter season. Yep, it’s a load of work. I used to do it, but ever since I got my growth spurt in sophomore year, I’ve been freeee!

Student B: Ohhhh… no wonder you disappeared from the face of the Earth last year. We all thought your plane crashed in the Bermuda Triangle coming back from winter vacation or something.

Interviewer: I see. Well, that’s very interesting. How does Santa know who’s below the height limit anyway, and how does he technically kidnap these people?

Student D: Mhmmmm… to be honest, I’m not really sure how the man does it. He’s kind of god-like, you know: knows when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and keeps tabs on every kid around the world 24/7 to keep track of whether they’ve been naughty or nice, etc. His omnipotence is crazy, not to mention his insane levels of stealth. Being able to climb up and down that narrow chimney with his 260-pound build as a 60-something-year-old man is no joke. If he ever reconsiders his career and gives robbery or rock climbing a try, he could be the best. Personally, I think I got kidnapped in my sleep. I was in my bed when I closed my eyes, but the next time I woke up, I was in a winter wonderland filled with evergreen trees and other elves. Still not sure if that was Norway or Deep Russia.

Interviewer: So, how did you initially react to all this?

Student D: Confused for sure, but I kind of felt at home? No menacing giants were roaming around and the work wasn’t too bad either. I would much rather help Santa pack toys all day than learn about the delta-epsilon definition of a limit. We were pretty well-subsidized too. It was like a cool internship experience, and they had good hot cocoa too. I would rate the experience a 9/10 on Yelp and definitely recommend it.

Student A: Damn, and you didn’t bring us any souvenirs?

Interviewer: When did you return?

Student D: It wasn’t that bad. Since we finished packing early, we all got sent back before Christmas Eve, so we could celebrate with our families. I’m assuming the people this time would also return around the same time?

Interviewer: Wow. *shakes student D’s hand* Thank you for your service.

You heard it here first. Enjoy your time before “they” return from their obligatory duties, and have a Merry Christmas, folks!