ARISTA V.S. The Writing Center

It finally happened, folks. Fasten your seatbelts, because the Stuyvesant Writing Center and ARISTA have officially declared war on each other.

It all began when the two departments were having a debate over which department was more relevant and helpful to students in need. ARISTA brought up astounding points such as how their headquarters has two state-of-the-art cappuccino machines and how they sell their secret stash of Adderall to Stuyvesant students, while the Writing Center rebutted with the statistic that all members of the Writing Center are far better looking and more genetically blessed than the members of ARISTA.

However, the friendly debate quickly got out of hand when the two departments couldn’t settle their petty argument. The peak was met when head of the Writing Center Mark Schultz declared in a fit of rage, “This day marks the official declaration of war on ARISTA! Supremacy shall be wrought by a fateful match of Capture the Flag!” The head of ARISTA, Kent Clark, hastily agreed to these terms, and a date was set. The epic battle was soon to come.

The battle lines were drawn on January 27, 2022: ARISTA took control of the sixth floor all the way to the 10th floor, while the Writing Center took control of the first floor through the fifth floor. The prominent bases for ARISTA were Mount Soph Bar and Fort Hudson Staircase. For the Writing Center, it was Mount Senior Bar and Fort Junior Atrium.

An interviewed soldier fighting for ARISTA clarified, “I’m only doing this to get out of my Pre-Calc final. I’m not even sure what’s going on—I just don’t want to take that final. Also, the guys who started this entire thing really need to get a life.”

The goal was to conquer the two bases in enemy territory, which soon proved to be an impossible task. The battle went on for months, as neither side was able to conquer both opposing bases. The Writing Center tried to invade Fort Hudson Staircase through a stealth operation, which quickly failed when two of the Writing Center members were caught being influenced by the lustrous aura of the Hudson Staircase. They were taken back to the ARISTA base camp, where they were put to public shame for not only a failed operation but also for being complete weirdos.

ARISTA also failed in their attempts to conquer the base camps of the Writing Center: they fought back by asking Mr. Moran to fight their battle for them in a plan to drop the Moran Bomb. ARISTA dropped the fateful bomb on February 5, 2022. The Moran bomb is now considered to be one of the biggest tragedies in Stuyvesant history, resulting in 25 detentions, 10 suspensions, and 12 expulsions. However, dropping the Moran Bomb was also a miscalculation for ARISTA, as it caused casualties for their members as well.

A few days later, ARISTA’s Secretary of War programmed every bluetooth speaker in the school to play “Baby” by Justin Bieber as a strategy to annoy members of the Writing Center. While the strategy did make the ears of many Writing Center members bleed, Moran expelled the perpetrator. With the loss of their war strategist, ARISTA was forced into a bind they could not escape. The Writing Center had also been dealing with their own internal crises as they were short on soldiers because of both college apps and people realizing that the whole thing was incredibly stupid.

In the official Stuyvesant constitution, it is stated that for a conflict to be resolved between Stuyvesant organizations, there needs to be a duel between the heads of said organizations. Both parties eventually agreed to decide the victor of the war through a battle between the heads of both departments.

It had all led up to this. Mark Schultz and Kent Clark faced each other on the cold, windy day of February 11, 2022. Unbeknownst to the two, their battle would go down in history as both the greatest and stupidest conflict ever. Upon the sounding of the war horn, Mark took out a book written by Shakespeare and Kent brandished a freshman he had been tutoring. Mark tried to go for a quick jab and bash Kent’s head, but ultimately failed as Kent dodged and countered with a side hook, which landed. Mark charged toward Kent and tried to disfigure his nose. He was successful, and on top of that, it resulted in Kent having a nose bleed, which left Kent dazed. Mark went for the finisher, but tripped on his shoelaces and fell face-first onto the ground. This left Kent with the high ground, which allowed him to garner the victory over Mark and finally end the feud. But be that as it may, the battle cost Kent his weapon, as the freshie sustained a permanent brain injury. I guess the lessons to be learned are that you should tie your shoelaces before battle and that you shouldn’t choose a human as your choice of weapon.