Average Gifts

The time has come for Santa Claus to be stripped of his role as the jolly old fat man who needs a new diet regimen. Good Ol’ St. Nick has finally become bored of stalking 1.9885 billion children and would rather be using the Gas app all day. But Santa cannot just give up being the crinkly Kringle who knows whether you have been bad or good, so you have to be good, for goodness’ sake. Can he? Of course not! Except, if Santa is spending all his time choosing Principal Yu as BTS’s number one fan on Gas, how will he formulate naughty and nice lists? The answer: he will not.

Introducing Santa’s new gift-giving technique—the average method! From now on, Santa Claus will be creating the dumb and the dumber lists using the same strategy as your parents when they’re deciding if you deserve food and shelter every day: by basing it on your average. So, depending on your definition of a “good” average, you may be in for a treat. Depending on your definition of a “bad” average, you are still in for a treat—just not a very good one. Nonetheless, Santa was extremely disappointed in everyone’s averages when he was formulating his dumb and dumber lists, so what better way to help you raise your average than to give you gifts intended to do just that? There is none! So thank Santa’s overworked elf, elf Moran (who hates his job and secretly wants to become an Assistant Principal), for leaking the 2022 Gift-Averages-Cutoff scores. And yes, people, reading these cutoffs should be more terrifying than reading the SHSAT cutoff scores the year you took it.

99-Plus Average:

You are the reason everyone else’s parents remind them how disappointing they are every day. Congratulations! They deserve a reality check on how substandard they are and how superior you are to the rest of us. Just for that, you are going to get an SAT prep book for Christmas. Keep up the hard work. Santa sat down for some tea and crumpets with your parents last weekend, and they agreed that these SAT books were the perfect present to pressure you to get into an Ivy League college. Maybe one day you will be just as successful as Santa Claus. I am sure you can already feel the frostbite as you imagine sitting back and relaxing with your toes wiggling in the snow, while a bunch of tiny people with pointed hats do all of your work for you.

91-to-98 Average:

Wow, you are a disappointment. Where are all of the other points in your average? To help you do better, here is a TI-84 Plus calculator. Not only will you now be able to achieve a 99 plus average with your spankin’ new calculator, but you will also be the cool kid now! “Did you see that person with the TI-84 Plus calculator?” “Yeah! I don’t want to be your friend anymore; I want to be their friend.” “Ouch.”

81-to-90 Average:

I am sure you are exhausted from hearing your parents whine, “Why are you not like the other kids?” in the same nasally Rudolph voice from the 1964 version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. So here is Santa’s gift to you: your savior, a fill-in-the-blank dictionary. It is time to drown out all of the complaints from your parents by immersing yourself in your new dictionary Mad Lib. I am sure you have been called a failure numerous times by now. You know the definition, so go fill it out!

71-to-80 Average:

Jack-in-the-box, who? This is an ARISTA-tutor-in-the-box! Clearly, you need a lot of help with your grades, and your brand new ARISTA-tutor-in-the-box will do just the trick! Just be careful when opening the box your ARISTA tutor is in. Signs of claustrophobia, starvation, and head trauma are common among ARISTA tutors after being in a box at the bottom of Santa’s present sack during the whole trip from the North Pole. If your ARISTA tutor continues to display these effects after a week, Santa will be glad to ship you a new one.

61-to-70 Average:

Here is a box of tissues to wipe your tears, because I know for a fact that your average is the bane of your existence. Just kidding! The jolly old plump man is not that cheap. Do you know what’s better than an ARISTA-tutor-in-the-box? Your very own personalized AIS hotline! Just give 248-555-5508 a call any time you want help bringing your average up. (Having a 61 average myself, I can vouch for my own extremely helpful AIS hotline. You should give your own a call. ;) Trust me.)

51-to-60 Average:

Are you sure Stuyvesant is the right place for you? Brooklyn Latin might be a better fit. Or maybe Automotive High School? Here are some SHSAT prep books… maybe you should consider retaking it to find a high school that’s a better fit for you. Santa Claus highly recommends it.

50-or-Below Average:

I have no words for you. Santa has no words for you. Not even the elf who wanted to be a dentist instead of a toy maker was this disappointing. Here is the first spot on the “dumber” list and a one-way ticket out of Stuyvesant. Get out.

And those are the 2022 Gift-Averages-Cutoff scores. I do not know about you, but receiving a one-way ticket out of Stuyvesant instead of coal is something I look forward to this Christmas. Once again, a big thank you to elf Moran! I might say a good word or two to Principal Yu about you to help you get that Assistant Principal role.