Becoming The Grinch: The Limited Edition Guide to Saving Christmas

Ladies and gentlemen, did you have a very thankless Thanksgiving? Did you dine alone and plot against your enemies instead of carving a turkey and enjoying time with your friends? 

Now that Thanksgiving is over, your least favorite holiday—Christmas—is fast approaching. For the second year in a row, you have no plans, but hey, who needs mistletoe when you could be embracing your inner Grinch? 

Luckily, the Grinch was generous enough to lend us his guidebook. To be honest, we didn’t exactly ask him (we just broke into his house and took it while he was walking his dog). It’s not stealing if it’s for the literary enrichment of the holiday season, right?

Disclaimer: Spec Humor cannot be held liable for ruining your Christmas nor for stealing the Grinch’s handbook. 

IMPOSTER SANTA X DREAMS DON’T COME TRUE

The first way to save Christmas is to dress up as the man himself—St. Nick—and sneak into your local mall. Then, replace the Santa Claus who’s already in the mall and force him to become Rudolph. When the little children come to sit on your lap and tell you their wishes, Mr. Grinch recommends to slowly and politely tell them that their wishes will never come true. This works better if you’re at least 60-years-old.

If you tell the little children that they will all get coal for Christmas, even better! Bonus points if they run away from you, crying for their mothers. What better way to light up your Christmas than crushing kids’ dreams?

Finally, to leave a memorable impression, the last thing you must tell the little children is that Santa Claus will die very soon because he is extremely old. Alternatively, you can tell them that Santa Claus isn’t real and they are being gaslit by their parents.  

100 PERCENT SUCCESS GUARANTEED CHRISTMAS EVE GAMEPLAN

What is Christmas without a present heist? Mr. Grinch recommends that his followers carry out his signature method: the chimney slide. First, use a ladder to climb on top of the nearest house’s roof and prepare to slide down the chimney while hopefully not ripping your pants or setting them on fire in the process. 

Or just don’t wear pants at all! Who needs pants anyway? Just descend with confidence. You’ll look far more scary and intimidating in your underwear. Once you make your grand entrance (hopefully safely), you should eat the cookies left out for Santa and spit in the milk. 

Then, grab as many presents as you can and run out the front door. According to Mr. Grinch, this game plan is guaranteed to work every time because it will be too cold for anyone to chase you down and catch you. Maybe, it would actually be best if you wore your pants. 

As you flee, enjoy the gifts from strangers who didn’t even know that they were exchanging presents. It’s like Secret Santa, but the secret is that you’re Santa now and they get to wake up to a delightfully unpleasant surprise. 

THE SECRET WEAPON

The best way to save Christmas is to traumatize the townspeople by singing Christmas carols horribly out of tune. Sure, you might kill their eardrums, but hey—Mariah Carey’s whistle register does that every year anyway. 

The townspeople will be spending Christmas in the emergency room trying to get ear transplants while cursing you and your caroling catastrophe. The nurses and doctors will be forced to pull extra shifts not because of a mistletoe mishap, but because your off key serenade caused a sudden upsurge in hearing loss. 

While everyone is enjoying their hospital festivities, break into their homes and steal all the presents they prepared for their kids. Before leaving, remember to leave a jolly surprise by covering the house in wrapping paper and jingle bells. Don’t forget to leave behind a note that says “Hope you have a lovely Christmas! Happy cleaning!” 

Even though others might think you’re ruining Christmas, everyone knows that the holiday season is the perfect time for selfishness. Make sure YOU have a good Christmas—that’s all that matters. So hop in your little dog sleigh and start plotting. Good luck, and happy holidays!