Business Update: Severe Coffee Price Increases Cause Panic

Coffee prices from vendors around Stuyvesant have seen a severe increase: the average price of a 12-oz hot coffee has shot up 327 percent to $4.30 as of December 20.

A Global Coffee Shortage?

Coffee vendors are insistent that they have simply run out of coffee supplies.

“After several weeks of exhaustive coffee consumption at Stuyvesant, global coffee supply has dwindled dangerously,” Starbucks executive chairman Howard Schultz explained. “In our sources in Brazil, sub-saharan Africa, and Indonesia, discontent growers have balked at the extreme production requirements that Stuyvesant students have imposed. They know how high demand is, and now, they’re charging a premium.”

When pressed on why only the Chambers Street branch has seen such severe price increases, Schultz declined to comment. A similar response was given by other coffee vendors frequented by Stuyvesant students.

A document was recently uncovered documenting a cartel between 17 major coffee outlets around Stuyvesant. However, according to independent analyst Howie Stultz, this is likely “a mere prank from students.”

The Toll on Students

Students are the main victims.

Some students have continued purchasing coffee despite the now eye-watering costs. “My favorite frap is now $9.90, but you only live once, right?” senior Steve Wong remarked.

Thrifty students have created an app that tracks coffee prices at specific vendors. The price of coffee at different vendors has become very much volatile as a result of constantly increasing prices. Just this morning, there was a $0.45 difference between Starbucks and the coffee cart before the coffee cart updated its price at 7:43 AM.

Other students have resorted to secretly making coffee at home. These are primarily students who consume over 10 cups a day; they purchase more coffee once they reach Stuyvesant to escape their parents’ indignation. One anonymous student professed to using instant simply because it was easier to hide.

Some festive students have given up on coffee, instead consuming non-alcoholic eggnog. Regrettably, eggnog has completely failed at keeping students alert. One eggnog-crazed senior is peacefully asleep and is projected to stay asleep past the New Year.