Caffeine Crisis: All Coffee Replaced By Hot Chocolate

As December rolls in faster than a senior’s grade drops, holiday cheer has once again gripped Stuyvesant. Students and teachers alike have begun celebrating with festive activities: sitting around the campfire of burning report cards, singing “O Come All Ye Sleep-Deprived,” and drinking even more scalding hot coffee. But it appears that someone has tricked the entire Stuy population: starting on December 1, all coffee in the general vicinity of Stuyvesant has been replaced with hot chocolate.

The resulting lack of caffeine has sent certain student populations into a panic. While the seniors remain miraculously unaffected (probably due to the development of senioritis among 93 percent of the senior population), the freshmen and sophomores are losing their minds. “I’ve only just started attending Stuy, and they’re taking away my only source of nourishment? How do I take AP AT Honors Accelerated Biology without being able to pull three all-nighters a week?” complained one freshman, while attempting to finish the ninth page of his biology homework.

However, among the juniors, a panic of epic proportions has spread like wildfire. “What madness is this?!? I haven’t slept since sophomore year, and I’ll have to consider missing a meeting of one of the five clubs I created!” junior Slee Pei said. She is among those who have been signing up for the Soul Drive, where students have been trading their souls for hours of sleep.

With the sudden lack of caffeine, students have been collapsing in the hallways of Stuyvesant, while juuling in the Hudson staircase, while swimming in Swim Gym, and even during tests, which completely defies Stuy logic.

However, some sophomores have discovered a solution: using their chemistry lab periods to brew up caffeine. “If I use dimethylurea and malonic acid as reagents, I should be able to produce caffeine!” a sophomore declared. Freshmen are also capitalizing on this market by using “biology research projects” as a cover for planting coffee bean trees and expect results within several years.

During this coffee crisis, the security guards have become increasingly frustrated by the number of false alarms in the morning hours. “With everyone bringing in hot chocolate, we can no longer watch the look of despair on a student’s face as they throw out their $5.00 pumpkin spice latte…this job isn’t fun anymore!” Officer Cawfi told a reporter.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell when coffee will return to Tribeca. As a result, the Program Office has provided an AP for students with averages of 99.9 or higher: AP Napping, which can be found under the elective category as both a single or a double period, potentially helping these students maintain their averages. Because most Stuy students have an average of 99.8, this class is incredibly selective, but enrollment will certainly help these students survive.