Choral Carols

SCENE 1

The curtains unveil a flurry of artificial snow, winter-themed drawings, and an elf with a name tag reading PRINCIPAL YULE standing front and center. ASSORTED STUYVESANT STUDENTS mill around in the background, exchanging confused and concerned glances.

PRINCIPAL YULE

This week at Stuyvesant, snowy Christmas cheer was quickly replaced by stormy gossip. Rumor has it that a new policy from the Stuyvesant choral department is in the

works, making it required for those auditioning for chorus—both incoming freshmen and current students—to solely sing Christmas carols. Students’ opinions on this

potential policy range from over the moon to vehemently opposed. 

ANONYMOUS STUY KID #1

Dude, can we, like, stop talking about Christmas? If I hear about Frosty the Snowman one more time, I’m bringing out the blowtorch.

A cluster of ANONYMOUS STUY KIDS nods in agreement. ANONYMOUS STUY KID #2, who had been in the corner staring intently at their phone, looks up after hearing their conversation and runs over, pointing wildly at their screen.

ANONYMOUS STUY KID #2

Did you guys see the leaked music sheets for the choral auditions?!

ANONYMOUS STUY KID #1 did not, in fact, see the leaked sheet music for the choral auditions. Upon reading the lyrics on the other kid’s phone, they display visible shock.

 Why? Did they change the lyrics?

ANONYMOUS STUY KID #2 

I heard they wanted to be more inclusive and take the students’ experiences into account. (coughs) AKA, give incoming students a “preview” of what Stuyvesant life will be

like.

ANONYMOUS STUY KID #1

I’m not quite sure if this is the way to do it…

SCENE 2

The scene changes to a gingerbread house. Inside, a line of incoming Stuyvesant freshmen waits nervously for their chorus auditions. PRINCIPAL YULE watches them, rubbing his palms together excitedly and smirking at the students. He motions CHORUS HOPEFUL #1 to the stand.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #1

(anxious rambling) You went all out for the decorations, huh? Not that I don’t like it! I mean, gingerbread houses are pretty on theme for Christmas carols, but I don’t know if

you had to go this far… 

PRINCIPAL YULE
Who said these were decorations? The gingerbread house is real.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #1 stares, mouth ajar, in confusion. Behind them, a student further down the line cautiously peels a gumdrop from the wall and pops it in their mouth. They nod in satisfaction.

PRINCIPAL YULE

If you’re just going to stand there with your mouth open, you might as well put it to use, you know, and sing your chorus audition.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #1

My bad… 

(singing slightly off-key) On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Stuyvesant gave to me

Twelve periods a day,

Eleven final essays,

Ten breakdown sessions,

Nine college rejections,

Eighth-period lunch,

Seven hopes and dreams crushed,

Six presentations,

Five a.m. crash-outs!

Four failing grades,

Three pop quizzes,

Two pity points,

And a healthy dose of anxiety!

CHORUS HOPEFUL #1 bursts out into tears.

I don’t think I want to go to Stuyvesant anymore.

As CHORUS HOPEFUL #1 flees the scene, PRINCIPAL YULE heaves a sigh.

PRINCIPAL YULE

A casualty this early? I must say, I expected better from prospective Stuyvesant students. (leveling a glare at the rest of the kids in line) Let this be a warning to the rest of you.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #2 is typing something vigorously on their phone.

PRINCIPAL YULE

(sharply) No phones! You must know that looking up the music during your audition is strictly prohibited. Did you not memorize your lines?

CHORUS HOPEFUL #2

Of course I did! I was just arguing with my mom because she said she wasn’t able to pick me up after this and I need a way to get home—I live in the Bronx- 

PRINCIPAL YULE

(waving his hand dismissively) I wanted your audition, not your entire life story. Get on with it—and put that cellular device away!

CHORUS HOPEFUL #2

(clearly frustrated) Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride

a train full of delays. Hey! 

Starting bells, warning bells,

End bells all the way;

Oh, what fun it is to ride

on broken escalators!

PRINCIPAL YULE

That was surprisingly good…

CHORUS HOPEFUL #2

Wait—Stuy gives out OMNY cards during the school year, right? Do you have any on you right now? Please, I really need a way to get home.

PRINCIPAL YULE fishes out a crumpled lump of green and white from his pocket.

PRINCIPAL YULE

I think it spent a little too much time in the washing machine…

CHORUS HOPEFUL #2

Whatever, I’ll take anything!

PRINCIPAL YULE stares as CHORUS HOPEFUL #2 leaves. He shrugs and motions CHORUS HOPEFUL #3 to the stand.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #3

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,

There is just one thing I need!

I don't care about my sleep,

Hours range from two to three.

I just want an Ivy League,

More than you could ever dream!

Make my wish come true!

All I want for Christmas is Harvard!

(mutters) That doesn’t even rhyme…

PRINCIPAL YULE

Are you criticizing the lyrics? At your own audition? The audacity of you young’uns these days.

CHORUS HOPEFUL #3

I wouldn’t have to if your lyrics weren’t so ridiculous! (shakes head and walks off angrily)

PRINCIPAL YULE

(calling off after them) Have a holly, jolly Christmas! (menacingly) Who’s next?