Clubs and Flubs

Allow me to paint you a picture: you’re on the second floor, outside of the guidance office. Behind you, Speech & Debate representatives are shouting, at 250 words per minute, about how not joining their club will inevitably lead to global extinction via climate change. To your left, silk-robed Robotics team members offer you lobster and wine, if only you agree to come down to their million dollar lab next week. Slightly in front of you, Mr. Moran has found himself sauntering by the Manga club’s booth, purely coincidentally, and is inquiring as to the upcoming meeting dates for his friend who is a “connoisseur in all things Japanese.” Farther up, ARISTA is deciding to charge hourly for their services in the future, inspired by the Robotics team’s caviar.

You are, of course, at the annual Stuyvesant Clubs and Pubs fair: the pinnacle of New York City culture, food, and thought. Much like the Met Gala, everyone is wearing their own outlandish outfit, except instead of Marilyn Monroe’s dress or a 100 percent upcycled gown, Stuyvesant students’ attires are uniquely patterned by their tears, freshly printed as they walk past the fourth tutoring club of the evening.

In fact, this year the Stuyvesant High School building was unable to hold every club, and several booths were assigned to the bridge, leading to general outrage. We were able to interview one Hayden Smith, who shared his thoughts on the matter.

“It’s disgraceful! The Stuyvesant Green Lightsaber Design club is an integral part of the school’s community. Not to be confused with the Stuyvesant Sith Lightsaber Construction club, the Stuyvesant Star Wars Roleplay with Lightsabers club, or the Stuyvesant Jedi Training club, our institution allows for students to familiarize themselves with key engineering concepts that can’t be found elsewhere, such as how to successfully integrate a Green Kyber crystal into your build (as opposed to a corrupted one, but Stuyvesant Sith Lightsaber Construction was already an established club).”

Space shortages were not the only issue afflicting the Clubs and Pubs Fair. Recent events left a number of clubs scrambling to adjust in time for the fair.

“We had to reprint all our cards,” said an exhausted Montgomery Xu IV, Co-Vice President of the Royals Keno Club. Xu, who is also Assistant Deputy Co-Treasurer of the Queen’s Corgis Fan Club and a mainstay of the Bowl-moral Castle junior varsity bowling team, said his hectic schedule leading up to the fair has barely left him any time to train for falconry tournaments or work on his application to Oxford.

Soon after, a scuffle broke out between the Stuyvesant Gluten-Free Club and StuyPasta. Our reporters were unable to stay on site.