Communist Revolution Inspires Hostile Takeover of Stuyvesant

With five essays, a project explaining why people who don’t study French can’t pronounce the word “croissant” properly, and a reading of the “The Communist Manifesto” due on the same day, sophomore Steve Wang finally reached his breaking point. After intense hours of thinking to no fruition, he finally picked up his copy of the “The Communist Manifesto.”

But once Wang picked it up, it was love at first sight. He even taught himself German to read Marx’s original. He was ready to start a new revolution.

The following day, Wang gathered as many people as he could to his locker and gave one of the greatest speeches in recorded history.

“I was in tears,” recalled sophomore Javed Jokhai with tears streaming down his eyes. “He was so passionate throughout the entire thing. His speech rapidly reached a pinnacle:

“‘The gentle laborer shall no longer suffer from the noxious greed of the teachers! We will dismantle oppression board by board! We'll saw the foundation of the administration in half, even if it takes an eternity! With your support, we will send the hammer of the students’ will crashing through the windows of this house of servitude! Let the faculty tremble at a student revolution. The pupils have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors of all GPAs unite!’”

“It’s not even like he shamelessly plagiarized a Squidward speech and ‘The Communist Manifesto’—it was based off of pure originality,” he said.

Soon after the speech was given, Wang and his followers took to the halls, armed with sharpened pencils and notebooks and toting a giant banner that boldly read, “Seize the Means of Education” in red lettering.

Eventually, students from all classes started to join in his march. As more teachers were stripped of their titles, students reportedly started to discard their textbooks outside of classroom windows, replacing them with more copies of “The Communist Manifesto” while Wang dictated the following speech:

“No longer will we be dictated by the teachings of our former masters! We have been oppressed by our teachers—students have suffered for far too long under this regime where scholars keep getting curved up by the grades of the working students! But—no more shall we be exploited by this grading system. Nay, in place of the old system, with its AP classes and electives, we will have 11 free periods a day!”

After all of the faculty were overthrown, Wang decided that his work was done. Little did he know, it was a dark time when it was every person for himself or herself; without teachers, students ran amok throughout the halls. Eventually, this led to factions. One of the largest of these factions was being led by sophomore Adrian Dickson, who rallied in support of the old grading system.

Sensing the imminent threat of Dickson, Wang began to rally again. Being forced to fight against Dickson’s contacts from Bronx Science and Brooklyn Tech as well, Wang and his few supporters managed to cough up a miracle; with only old stress balls and gym shorts at their disposal, they managed to win against the advancing army.

However, his victory was short-lived. After hearing the news of their son’s radical thinking, Wang’s parents immediately came to school and pulled him out by the ear, shouting threats along the way. Though resistant at first, he quickly complied to their demands after they threatened to burn his Karl Marx plush toy and proletariat action figures.

At the cost of future communist revolutions, the assigned “The Communist Manifesto” reading has since been revoked as well. To fill the void in the curriculum, teachers are now showing documentaries on communism that will surely make any revolutionary fall asleep.