CoronaVirus Update: Vampire Edition

Look, we all know that this last month has been terrible. Wait, no, this last year. Actually, come to think of it, this last decade. But—and I know you guys are all super excited—we’ve discovered yet another global problem that has the potential to ruin our lives! That’s right, vampires. Despite what all of those well-meaning public health officials have been saying, we here at The Spectator know the truth, and it’s not COVID-19 you need to be worrying about.

Still not convinced? Well, while we’re all whining about our masks like a bunch of suckers, the real suckers are hiding, passing themselves off as upstanding citizens. I’m telling you, never trust anyone if you can’t see their canines—how do you really know I didn’t just die and come back to haunt you during quarantine?

Okay, fine, so no looking for fangs. What about the skin? Given that the general consensus among Stuyvesant students during this time has been that sun exposure kills, how do you know that isn’t actually true? Well, sadly, judging people’s skin color won’t work either. I mean, look at yourself! If you were any more sallow, we’d be mistaking you for a ghost, not a vampire. But before you start asking me about the eyes, let me be clear: if your red-eyed friend calls themself dead from an all-nighter, for your own sake, believe them. That’s what they all say.

However, believe it or not, the fact that everyone you know is probably trying to suck you dry is not a cause for concern. That’s right, we have three foolproof ways of vanquishing vampires in cold blood.

Method 1. Ask them out! There’s nothing vampires love more than a good night out: stale air, dark skies, and truly delectable necks. As the great Sanguia Hemophagio said, “You can’t face danger unless you court with it.” And really, what’s the worst that can happen? Do you really need all that excess blood?

If you and your new ghoulish friend hit it off, be proud! You’re doing this for the good of society. Take them out for dinner, and make sure you pile on the garlic—you want to make sure your garlic breath is actually deadly.

Method 2. If you’ve never looked at a sallow, red-eyed ghoul and felt your heart flutter, that’s alright too. We suggest holding a midnight blood drive—why catch one vampire at a time when you can catch them all? Just bribe your local Red Cross chapter and try not to gloat too much at the idea of sucking people’s blood, and all of New York will show up. At the end, slip a little cyanide in there, and congratulations! You’ve just reduced the city population by at least 10 percent.

Alternatively, you can use the blood as bait. Why do anything immediately when you can do it later? If you’re the kind of perfectly normal person (or vampire) who enjoys constructing elaborate fake people and human-sized mouse traps, then your art skills just might save society.

Method 3. In some rare cases, a little sunshine might be enough. If you’ve ever walked outside in the last few months and been like, “AAHHHHHH!!!!” you have a sense of how it feels to be a vampire. With just a few strategically placed mirrors, you can ensure that others always have the same opportunities that you did.

Method 4. Despite all of your efforts, you may still be tormented by vampires. But that’s not a super big problem—after all, there’s always the nuclear option. Sacrifice yourself, and you will die an honorable death. So many of us spend our lives trying to serve society—really, what more direct a method is there? We’ll remember you fondly (we promise!) and hopefully, the vampires will go away eventually. That is, I will. I don’t know about the rest of you.