Could You Be Suffering from Post-SING! Depression?

SING! season’s over, and now you’re feeling down in the dumps. With forty-five “accidental” class cuts this week and a heap of yet-to-be signed absence notices that say nothing but “super sick” on them, you just can’t seem to be motivated enough to attend classes. If these symptoms sound suspiciously like what you’ve been having for the past two weeks, you might be experiencing the effects of acute post-SING! Depression! [All information sourced from WebMD.]

What are the symptoms of post-SING! depression?

Though post-SING! depression initially only affects a small portion of the school population, it can spread rather quickly if left unchecked. Here are the first warning signs that you might be suffering from post-SING! Depression:

- Extreme insomnia from the voices in your head singing the Spirit Song on repeat, but even more out-of-tune than the real thing. Patients often report having sore throats the following morning, most likely from unconsciously squawking along to the tunes once they fall asleep.

- Sudden panic attacks in the middle of study sessions. Even though SING! might be over, you can still hear the echoes of your directors’ criticism of your performance in your head. These attacks can last anywhere between two to five hours, depending on how long your meetings were.

- Loss of appetite. Most patients suffering from post-SING! depression refuse any food given to them except for snack-size bags of Cheez-Its. Though this doesn’t provide any nutritional sustenance, patients often insist that the Cheez-Its are adequate nourishment, mirroring their diets from SING! practice.

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While these are the most general signs of students suffering from post-SING! depression, it is crucial to report any cases early, lest more serious symptoms arise. Such symptoms include:

- Severe dehydration, which appears more commonly in patients in their junior year. Though most patients deny any knowledge of the cause of said dehydration, the streaks of dried tears on their cheeks tell a different story.

- Late-stage patients often enter fits of mania, identified by the glassy-eyed stares and non-stop chanting of “Hey hey, ho ho, [insert grade] SING! just stole the show!” If left untreated, the patient’s vocabulary will eventually deteriorate to only speaking variations of this sentence.

After looking through these symptoms, if you or a loved one appears to be suffering from post-SING! depression, seek professional medical help immediately. WebMD recommends looking into getting a medical marijuana card—just tell them your symptoms, and walk right out!

[a]oh wow i hope this isnt true

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