Counselors Resign En Masse

The new Stuyvesant semester has begun! Along with that, the Great Resignation has arrived: guidance counselors have resigned en masse after being frustrated with the barrage of students complaining about program changes! Emailing them returns error messages, and the ability to contact counselors has been completely removed from Talos. Stuyvesant systems have been paralyzed and program changes are automatically rejected!

Michael Mulgrew, the president of the United Federation of Teachers (UFT) provided a statement when contacted by The Spectator on January 28, stating that, “As members of the United Federation of Teachers (UFT), our guidance counselors at Stuyvesant have opted to resign after being faced with the unusual circumstances presented by their respective students. I ordered all of them to do so as the elected president of this union. Since New York does not have a right-to-work law, the guidance counselors are required to resign or be transferred to another post. I can say with complete certainty that the creatures known as Stuyvesant students are brats, idiots, welfare kings and queens, and crybabies. We cannot serve them when they complain about silly things such as program changes, smelly bathrooms, lack of locker rooms, and other absurdities. Program changes were really the last straw. Our Stuyvesant guidance counselors will be withdrawing immediately from this facility.”

Many students were frustrated by the Great Resignation. Freshman Kronos Olga was extremely angered, commenting, “For my first semester, I have had Josué Baker for Specialized Eastern European History. For my second semester, they replaced it with normal Global History taught by Rain Sanjay. I went to guidance to ask for a program change but my guidance counselor blew up and went to Principal Yu to resign. We were just learning about the upcoming liberation of Ukraine by our savior, Vladimir Putin! Now, I’m going to be indoctrinated by American propaganda.”

Senior Wulfnoð Gabriela was furious at his lack of admission to electives, remarking, “I wanted to join the new Current Events in New York City elective, which will be taught by former mayor Bill de Blasio. They say that there’s no room left, but I think that de Blasio rejected me for some of my criticisms of his transportation policies. I could have forced my way into the class if Guidance existed, but then Mulgrew had to come in and fire everyone! Now how will I learn about the city I live in?”

Junior Alfreda Lawrie was frustrated with her new AP United States History teacher, asserting that, “APUSH is completely ruined. I used to have Tin Burt as my APUSH teacher. He is just the best and is amazing. But some stupid idiot within the program office decided to switch my teacher to Blagorodna Elvio, who is just the worst. Guidance can’t help me; they’ve left me for dead. What will colleges think?”

In protest, the Student Union (SU) organized a walkout on January 28. Students (except for the leaders of the Junior Caucus) stormed the exits and forced their way out of the building, overwhelming the security guards and faculty patrolling the exits. They walked half a mile across Chambers Street to New York City Hall, where they occupied City Hall Park and surrounded City Hall, demanding the City Council and Mayor intervene. Five thousand National Guard troops were deployed to the scene by Governor Kathy Hochul in case of a potential standoff.

Richmond County District Attorney Michael McMahon soon charged Mulgrew with violating the Taylor Law, which governs public employee unions. Mulgrew later released a written statement: “I am stepping down as President of the United Federation of Teachers, effective immediately. I am also pleading guilty to the charge brought against me by District Attorney Michael McMahon. I will never have any regrets for the position I held and what I did. Those little brats deserved the trauma and all of the malarkey they invented. I mean, what even is mental health? Sounds fake to me. I cannot bear to restore the guidance counselors to Stupidvesant. My successor will be entrusted with that responsibility.” Mayor Adams, Governor Hochul, and New York City Schools Chancellor David Banks also announced that as a part of simplifying operations and making life easier for the planned return of the guidance counselors, Stuyvesant and Brooklyn Tech will merge into one school, connected by a subway shaped like a tentacle, called Stuyvesant Tech. Adams made note that “the Stuyvesant Transit and Urbanism Club will particularly enjoy the new subway line.”

The reaction has been, for the most part, positive. Senior and SU President Shivali Korgaonkar proclaimed that, “This is a day to celebrate. Stuyvesant is back, and better than before!” Brooklyn Tech sophomore Rukiye Karen, however, was infuriated by the change, stating, “Today, Jerry Nadler’s machine has swallowed our school whole. He only cares about three things: the Upper West Side, Borough Park, and Stuyvesant. He has no respect for our culture and our opinions. We don’t even get a decent subway station, while Stuyvesant gets five. And only Stuyvesant can use the new subway. We are second-class citizens!”

The new UFT President, however, did not immediately restore the guidance counselors. Its leadership, being unrepresentative of the union as a whole, continued to blatantly violate the Taylor Act, and whispered in the ears of New York politicians that if they wanted an endorsement they were to keep quiet about the blatant violation. But when the guidance counselors made their triumphant return after a parade in the Canyon of Heroes, they would return to a pile of work that would give a fiery headache. With their now minimal salaries and little overtime pay, no guidance counselor actually ever returned.