Cuffing Season Has Begun! Be There!

Ladies and gentlemen! Do any of you know what time it is? Yup! It’s time to get cuffed. Cuffing season has begun and it’s your turn to find the loving partner who’s willing to grow old with you (that is, until both of you realize this was a mistake).

If this is your first time, fear not! We’ve got you. Here are five certified ways to get your crush to like you back.

**Disclaimer: we are not to be held liable for any heartbreak that has happened to you from prior relationships if you have read our advice before.

STARE AT THEM!

The first way to attract your crush is to maintain prolonged eye contact with them. In other words, stare intensely into their eyes until they can no longer resist your beauty and are forced to stare back at you. We recommend doing this for at least 10 minutes every day, even if it means blocking the hallways or being late to class.

If they take the initiative to come up to you, even better! Make sure to then run away immediately so that they’ll have to chase after you. What could be better than having your crush publicly display their affection for you by having them run after you in the halls? While there is a 99.9 percent chance that it’s to report you, there’s also a 0.1 percent chance that they came to return the kiss, so it’s all worth it.

Get a Pet! Be the Pet!

It’s been scientifically proven that people with pets have a better chance of obtaining a partner. We recommend a dog or a cat, since they’re loved by many. Even if your crush is deathly allergic to animals, don't worry! They would still appreciate you bringing it to school and keeping it in close proximity to them. Besides, they’ll be too busy sneezing to yell at you. On the downside, this also means that they won’t be able to proclaim their intense love for you.

To counter that drawback, we recommend cosplaying as a pet. You could show up to school in a cat-maid costume or a furry costume. Your crush would be so impressed with your dedication that they might ask you out.

Hug Them! Say Hi to Them! Hit Them Nicely? Why Not!

For a crush to notice you, simply saying “hi” in the halls won’t make the cut. Instead, we recommend playfully hitting your crush. It’s not only an act of love but also something that makes you stand out from the rest. You’re not like the other girls! They will be sure to remember you.

If you don’t like the idea of punching your crush, an alternative is to kidnap them (with their consent, of course). Take them to Disney World. Who doesn’t like Disney World? Most importantly, make sure to split expenses 50-50 since you wasted most of your money on that new anime body pillow.

Listen! Not to Me, Buffoon! To THEM!

What really makes someone’s heart flutter is receiving attention. One of the best ways to show you care is to listen to your crush. Heed their every word. EVERY word. Eavesdrop on them while they’re talking to their friends, pay close attention when they raise their hand in class, and most importantly, listen to them breathing. Not only will it make them feel loved and respected by you (awww!), but you might also be able to learn some valuable information about them, like where they live.

Say Yes to Stalking!

Of course, if you don’t happen to find out where they live, stalking is always an option. Secretly follow them to their house and then introduce yourself to their parents. If you make a good first impression on their parents, who the hell cares what your crush thinks about you?

If you want to know their schedule, we recommend discreetly trailing them to their classes. Stalking also lets you get to know your crush more as you will know what topics they’re interested in. If you ever get the chance to talk to your crush, you guys will already have something to talk about.

Folks, this is all the advice we have for you today. Make sure to follow all our tips and hopefully you get cuffed or cuffed by someone. However, if your efforts are futile, we have one more piece of advice for you. Humans die. Animals die. Plants die. Even soul reapers die. It’s the arc of the universe. Everything that comes to life eventually ceases to exist. Most of all, when you die, you’ll die alone. You were born alone and you’ll die alone. So finding love isn’t the biggest thing out there. Good luck!