Disney Is Baloney for Hiding the Truth

Love starts slithering behind you like a huge mamba snake. It first encircles your knees to trip you with the sensation of “falling in love,” and then it wraps your whole body and leaps in for a vicious bite. The pain of the bite and the first wave of paralysis leave you in a feverish and electrified state analogous to the anxiety-inducing nature of beginning a relationship. Eventually, the peripheries of your vision blacken and cloud up as you place everything in your life but your loved one on the blotched sidelines. Finally, you’ll suffer a state of severe lethargy, if not a coma, because marriage sucks your energy faster than does your crippling depression.

After all, if Disney princesses have “matches made in heaven,” why does Disney exclude the tenuous conditions after marriage? Well, Disney has been cheating kids out of the harsh realities these princess couples face after they get over their cloud nine. My underfunded research team (Patreon link below the article!) and I have consulted a witch who gave us a magical mirror that lets us peer into the lives of these princesses, after or during their marriage, and luckily at the price of our college admissions chances instead of gold. We messengers of truth hope these outcomes will discourage you teenagers from eloping and marrying without proper consideration.

Cinderella:

The prince married Cinderella for her superficial beauty, so when Cinderella ages and no longer fits into her tight-laced corsets and ball gowns, her self-esteem vanishes. The worst blow comes when the prince suggests to Cinderella that she become a maid again so that the chores would make her lose weight. Ever since, Cinderella refuses to talk to her husband and calls herself “thick” instead of “fat,” a “new kind of beauty.” She renames herself “Thickerella,” obviously ignoring her husband's pleas not to. Props to Thickerella, the mother of modern beauty standards that enable us to justify junk food debauchery.

The Little Mermaid:

If you can sing beautifully, you can also sing horrifically. Ariel’s wedding took place on a boat, but as soon as the cake was revealed and exposed to the open, a seagull pooped on it. Devastated, Ariel let out an ear-grating scream. So many seagulls flopped down into the sea that the land-bound onlookers thought it was snowing and unknowingly cheered at the picturesque sight. Ariel and the prince had the world’s fastest divorce. However, Ariel did manage to find her true love after the unsuccessful wedding: a sperm whale responded with sonar echolocation, and they immediately clicked.

Ricky of Tuft:

It turns out that it wasn’t through magic that the princess saw Ricky as the most handsome man in the world, but rather through the hallucinogenic mushrooms Ricky constantly sneaked into his spouse's food. However, the truth gets out once they give birth to a hideous son. Ricky’s wife doesn’t file a divorce, but her disappointment in her son makes even Confucian missionaries visiting their kingdom concerned.

Beauty and the Beast:

The Beast, after turning back to his prince form, is sadly unable to change some of his beastly habits. He randomly howls in his sleep, which often wakes up Belle. After much cajoling from Beauty, he finally attempts shaving his facial hair for the first time in decades. Unfortunately, he holds the razor at too lofty of an angle and sheds his skin like a true beast of the wild. Belle plays solitary piano while lamenting about the idiot she married.

Rapunzel:

“As you can see, fellow businessmen,” says the prince from his seat at the head of a long table with his finger pointed to a map with India at its center, “the British East India Company is impinging on the already fragile trading relations we established with India’s textile industry. The Puerto Ricans aren’t much of a concern—”

“Ooh, ‘rica’ means rich in Spanish! Let’s get to know each other. I’m actually named after a cabbage,” beams an overly-enthusiastic Rapunzel.

Having lived all her life in a secluded castle, Rapunzel is a rather uneducated princess. The prince has to constantly remind his guests of this fact to explain her inappropriate behavior.

There. It’s undeniable that Disney is misleading millions of kids with the notion that love has “happily-ever-after” endings, and that’s a problem because what we learn as kids subconsciously sticks with us for a long time. What if Disney’s responsible for alarmingly high teenage pregnancy rates? What if it’s responsible for child-trafficking because it suspiciously shows themes of marriage and captivity to a young audience? Regardless, Disney has hidden the upsetting side of love that you’re now aware of. Don’t take love lightly, be chaste, and only commit if you’re an adult or a veteran of life’s struggles.