Diversity Through Staring

Our Lord and Savior Mayor de Blasio is taking full advantage of his educational monarchy by implementing a series of new policies meant to “benefit” Stuyvesant through “[insert a very real quote here].” After his recent bill passed to provide more nutritious lunches based on those of the Federal Correctional Institution, the mayor is now turning a glassy eye toward the Stuyvesant Environmental Club’s latest project: the Stuy Sharing Table.

The Stuy Sharing Table, also dubbed “The Sharing Table,” “The Table,” or just “Stuy,” has become quite the gathering place for the listless students of Stuyvesant looking for a meager meal to get them through their next 10 periods. It is here that the picky eaters leave their various uneaten foods, most commonly plastic oranges and [insert funny adjective] apple juice, at the table. The congregation of vultures, however, has proven to be incredibly chaotic as of late. Most significantly impacted by this are the involuntary recycling monitor volunteers, who are having difficulties keeping up with the exponential increase in students trying to throw out their trash at the same time as everyone else, prompting staff like Assistant Principal of Cellular Device Monitoring Brian Moran to repeatedly yell into a megaphone during lunch periods. What he says during these moments is as unclear as school announcements with Marky Mark and Shar Shar.

Unfortunately, the masses of lost souls congregating at The Table have caused too much commotion to ignore. In a recent press conference at Terry’s, Mayor de Blasio announced his next plan for our high school, nay, our sPeCiALiZeD high school. Over the next 15 months, de Blasio will gradually convert the Stuy Sharing Table to the “Shy Staring Table”; this leaves enough time for the class of 2020 to skrtttttt but the rest of us won’t be so lucky.

“This is the first time I’m seeing such antisocial behavior among the students at Stuyvesant High School,” de Blasio said. “As part of my plan to diversify the city’s top high school’s shy population, I’d like to introduce the new Shy Staring Table. Using our new Discovery program, I expect that a wider range of shy students will have representation at this table and will increase the overall timidity of Stuyvesant.” The mayor waved away any questions and moved closer to his microphone. He proceeded to stare into the distance for several minutes, breathing heavily but not speaking. Though the mayor said little, his profound words still resonate with us even several weeks later.

Changes are already being made. The original Table was moved out over the course of five hours in favor of a similar-looking but much sturdier replacement. One of The Spectator’s personal janitors observed three pale-faced students being carried by de Blasio himself from the school kitchens to the table where they were promptly placed in a sitting position.

While helping himself to our gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches after a hard day’s work, de Blasio invited passing students to observe their peers on the table. In an aside to the same Spectator janitor mentioned above, de Blasio commented, “I think this new thing will really make a difference for this school. Already, the staring, both awkward and not, has really provoked insightful dialogue amongst students. The students sitting on the table are shy and will definitely develop great life skills that physics simply can’t provide for them, just by staring at the students who happen to be standing around. We’re also killing two birds with one stone! Y’all won’t need lunch monitors anymore!”

The mayor ended this by throwing out his sandwich crusts in the recycling bin before running out of the cafeteria. It is reported that de Blasio slid down the five-to-three escalator yelling “TAKE THE STAIRS, NERDS!” while jamming pencils into tiny crevices on the escalator. Due to this mishap, our Pegleg bobsledding team no longer has a practice space and will be set back a season, a truly horrific event that The Spectator’s Sports department will be covering three issues from now.

It is safe to say that Lord Build a Blasio’s most progressive and modern policy of all has been a real blessing. Certainly, it is up to time to tell us if the Shy Staring Table will diversify Stuyvesant as much as expected, with currently only the top seven percent of antisocial students being admitted to sit on the table. Since the time of the writing of this report, the general silent tension in the school has increased dramatically thanks to The Table, leaving us with the hope for a more social environment. When we don’t have anything to eat, we’ll always be able to defer to some good ol’ staring. Thanks, Bill.