Do Colleges Accept Gummy Bears Instead of SAT Scores?

So my SAT got canceled a bunch of times. Oh, what good fun! At this point, I’m doubting the sheer existence of the SAT. Actually, I take that back. My real question: Does the College Board even exist? I mean, with all these cancellations, does their organization even have grounds for me to take my test on? Well, that’s a crisis I’ll save for later. Back to my SAT. I have the best story to tell y’all, and you’re going to want to sit down for this and keep your socks firmly glued to your feet, for they are in extreme danger of being blown off.

Imagine you’re just vibing at the end of sophomore year, but you know all the stress is about to pile up. It’s currently August, and you have finally signed up for your SAT. Eventually, the day when you become a big girl comes. You’re going to do the rite of passage that will show you’re an upperclassman. October 3? That seems like a good enough chunk of time to make sure you don’t totally bomb that test. Better get cramming! So you cram, and cram, and cram. Oops. It’s a week before the test, and you get a fun e-mail from the College Board stating, “If you are receiving this e-mail, it means we don’t care about you. We don’t care about your well-being, and we honestly couldn’t care less about the fact that the system we created to exploit you is unavailable to let you do the one thing we made you think you want to do. (You can’t take your SAT when you want; henceforth, you must wait until we’ve had our coffee. We might get back to you in a few months. We don’t know yet.)” That got me thinking. Should I even take my SAT? Wait, I gave them a whole lot of my parents’ hard-earned dollars just to take it. Be right back, I gotta cry about that for a second…

You manage to score a spot for the November 7 test date, which gives you another fair chunk of time to cram some more! Nice. Fast forward to three days prior to the SAT. You still firmly believe that you’re wildly unprepared. However, that doesn’t matter. The College Board has canceled on you once again. Is this a yes? No! Was it postponed? No! You scurry to find another seat somewhere, in December obviously. I mean, what are you going to do? Wait for March? You check the spots. Staten Island closed. Upstate New York closed. Connecticut closed. Pennsylvania closed. Massachusetts closed. Maine closed. Michigan closed. Missouri closed. Is every state starting with the letter M closed? Not sure. Woah, Kentucky! Open! Score!

It’s a little far, but at least you can calm down now that you’ve gotten a spot. But no, you were mistaken, for all the dates you once thought were available have magically been canceled as well. You go to reschedule, which is nothing new at this point. December’s a no-go, and so are March, August, and September 2021. You sigh in exasperation. What about your college applications? We don’t want to talk about those. Well, at least you’ve come to some realizations in this frantic search for spots. You don’t need anything. You shall receive nothing. Your SAT cannot be taken this year or next year. This is your fate. At this point, screw it. March 2022, when you are a second-term senior, will be your new testing day. Now, you can do whatever you want with all that time. See it as a blessing or a curse, this is your destiny.

Wait, you got a new notification just now from the College Board! Let’s have a little Blue’s Clues moment and open this e-mail together!

“We don’t regret anything we have to inform you about, but the College Board is shutting down, and no more SATs will be administered, ever. You’ll have to invent a new thing to wow any and all colleges with. Sorry lol.”

I—