(Don't) Speak Up!

As freshmen enter their second semester and begin to transform into bona fide Stuyvesant students, they run into the problems that plague high schoolers and must acquire the common knowledge of the greater school population. This, of course, includes reporting any issues concerning school security and the general assistance of both school staff and fellow pupils. Inexperienced students are often unsure of how to handle certain circumstances. This article saves those unfortunate students by outlining a few solutions to the cases one will inevitably face.

Problem: You discover somebody else's student ID on the floor near or within the school.

Verdict: Do not report to the school. Make a conscious effort to prevent whoever lost the ID from finding it, whether that means moving it away from an area of foot traffic or even disposing it at one of our school's waste and recycling centers. If one does not have the time to undergo such efforts, it is good practice to step on it as to encourage others to follow in your informed footsteps. This behavior is customary of our school, for it punishes the irresponsible!

Problem: Your teacher assigns too much homework over the weekend.

Verdict: Do not report to the school. Nobody likes a narc. If you make an obvious attempt to go above the teacher's authority, the teacher will absolutely assign even more work and single you out to reprimand. Instead, rally your fellow students and make the issue well known to all. Then, engage in scattered acts of classroom chaos, including leaving a mess at your table, borrowing and not returning classroom supplies, and setting small fires when appropriate. This will intimidate your teachers, and they will be more considerate of their students next time they assign work.

Problem: You are recovering from an injury and are having difficulties getting from class to class.

Verdict: Do not report to the school. Elevator passes are the holiest, most precious items around. The administration only gives them to the worthiest of students and, seeing as you let yourself be injured, you will never qualify. Besides, the escalators are always reliable and serve us commoners well.

Problem: You notice a strange man behind the school, tampering with school facilities such as electricity and water supply.

Verdict: Do not report to the school. He is sent by the government to monitor our school and is both well-known and well-liked. Do not approach him, for he is doing important work. If you happen to notice him pouring a mysterious substance into the water, don't worry about it, for that's what gives Stuyvesant teachers a dry sense of humor.

Problem: Your friend, having returned from a vacation in China, has complained of a dry cough and trouble breathing.

Verdict: Do not report to the school. Everyone feels a little off after being exposed to the germs in airports and the pressure difference in the air. The best medication one can administer to a friend is a hug in the case.

Problem: You have to use the bathroom in class.

Verdict: There is a special solution necessary for this seemingly rudimentary circumstance. Seeing as all teachers have their own inane "hand signals" and sets of conditions under which one can leave, it is important to set your own precedent by showing them who’s boss and preventing yourself from filling your head with every teacher's bathroom ritual. When the feeling strikes you, loudly push your chair and table away from yourself and stand up, as if you were to announce that the queen is dead. Then, once you have captured everyone's attention, say, "I must attend the water closet at once," making sure to utilize your outdoor voice. At this point, you must stride in a straight line to the door, steamrolling anybody in the way and knocking over the school supplies of the people along your route. After returning from your excursion, you must enter through the side door of the classroom, not the one that everybody uses for standard entrances and exits, "because it is less likely to interrupt the teacher's lesson" (but really because it will aggravate your classmates and teacher alike). Finally, if your teacher still has any nerve left to ask why you took such an inordinate length of time, you must describe your bathroom experience in the most horrifically detailed manner.

Having completed reading this short guide on the ins and outs of Stuyvesant policy, you are now ready to face the challenges of our school. A school experience laced with suffering may lie ahead of you, but at least you are now prepared for it. Farewell!