Don’t Worry, We’re Still Running Half a Subway

With everything from a rainstorm to maintenance derailing Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) schedules, the offices of the New York City Transit Authority have been inundated with constant complaints about the quality of the transit system. No more. In a recent press conference Mayor Eric Adams announced that, effective immediately, all transit lines will be run by a new, arbitrary set of guidelines to “better ensure transit safety.”

“This is a new age for the city!” shouted Adams as three reporters transcribed the speech. “For months I’ve had to hear constant complaints about how the subways are ‘unreliable’ and ‘rat-infested,’ but we all must readjust our view of the system. The rats are a valuable part of our society, and we must learn to appreciate all the parts of our subway system for what they are. They are all treasured features, not accidents!” 

The new changes were only partially described as “better than before” and involved “keeping New Yorkers on their toes.” A small subsection of the new changes given were:

• The 1/2/3 trains will work every odd day of the month, and on every even day the tunnels will be flooded to “clean them out.”
• The A/C/E will skip stops based on a coin flip and the operator’s mood.
• A drinking competition between the borough presidents will take place every Tuesday. The loser will have their subway tunnel flooded with rat steroids.
• Rat poison will be dumped all over the ground every third Ante Meridian.
• All train connections to New Jersey will be destroyed when the Giants lose.
• All trains to Grand Central-42nd St will be rerouted when a random number generator generates a one.
• Someone will wear a blindfold and throw darts at a board to decide which LIRR line will be disabled for the day.

While the Office of the Mayor has described these changes as “brilliant” and said “the Manhattan Borough President better not get drunk,” critics of the plans have called them “insane” and said, “Dear god, what were they thinking!” MTA officials have fired back, stating that they will now be able to save millions of dollars and that a clear manual has been distributed to better clarify the situation. Meanwhile, the manual has been kindly described as “a copy of the Bible thrown into a shredder and haphazardly superglued it together.” While the design choice for the book to be written in cuneiform has been critiqued as “worse than the pollution of the Hudson River,” the MTA has boldly announced that no changes to this plan will be made and that any failures will have been completely intentional.

As of publishing time, three trains have already been derailed. The Manhattan Borough President lost the drinking contest and now Manhattan is being overrun by rats. Additionally, no one has figured out what a “third Ante Meridian” means, a third of LIRR lines have ceased to exist, and somehow the J train is running perfectly fine. After the barrage of lawsuits, the MTA referred to Section 7 Subsection 2 Section 0.023, which stated that all litigation must be forwarded to the last descendant of Peter Stuyvesant for peer review. While lawyers struggle to figure out how to meet such demands, the MTA has officially claimed “victory over delays,” a historic day that all New Yorkers will forever remember.