Drug Lab Discovered at Stuyvesant High School

Yesterday, three students were found in one of Stuyvesant’s very own gender neutral bathrooms, lightly dusted with a strange white substance. Through a very thorough sniff test performed by Mr. Simon, it was determined to be a new substance on the market, locally known as OwOchide (not cocaine, to the dismay of a number of troubled freshmen around Stuyvesant).

The investigation began due to reports of several students spontaneously fainting while traversing the hallways. Chemistry teacher Michael Orlando noticed that on the last AP Chemistry exam he gave, the class average went up three points to a new high of 77 percent: a phenomenon his elated students had never experienced before.

Another noted effect of increased OwOchide usage was found in gym classes. Students would typically bemoan doing any semblance of physical activity, but in recent weeks students were either passed out or extremely hyper, trying to climb and dismantle anything in sight. Though students spoke out about this, gym teachers reported no change in class behavior.

Yet the third effect of this drug was by far the most bizarre: the sophomore bar was completely silent, with most of the students there doing homework or talking in “indoor voices.” This extreme deviation from normality was what led School Safety and the administration to investigate the cause of these odd behaviors.

Following the events of the Stuyvesant “Gender Neutral Bathroom discovery,” the administration assembled an elite team consisting of Brian Moran, Dr. Markova, and the two ID card ladies to crack down on the operation. After three periods, the team had pulled in five students, all of them suspiciously wearing black hoodies, gray sweatpants, and black sunglasses. All lines of questioning proved fruitless, until the threat of removing their five-star Genshin waifus was brought to the table. Simultaneously, all the students crumpled to the ground, sobbing vehemently, revealing to the interrogators that the operation was being run in lab room 927. These individuals, desperate to protect their Genshin waifus, then began to share information completely inapplicable to the investigation, including their poor first semester grades and each of their parents’ ongoing divorces. Unsure how to respond, the interrogators left the room.

Soon after, the investigators rushed to the specified lab room and kicked down the door with the might of 30 Atlases. Facing them were 10 students in hazmat suits, each of them standing over their own set of equipment. After taking the lab workers in for questioning, a more thorough investigation of the lab was conducted.

“It was a complex operation organized by the students, an elaborate clockwork of bunsen burners, Erlenmeyer flasks, and five pineapple pizzas. It was totes cray-cray,” said Dr. Markova.

Unfortunately, the mastermind of this operation has yet to be found. “I hope we aren’t looking for this kid forever like Hank looked for Heisenberg—he couldn’t tell who the impostor among them was, and I’m not trying to be like that,” said Mr. Simon on the progress of the investigation.

In a campaign for more information on the drug’s effects, students were asked to talk about their relevant experiences. Sophomore Imphun Atparteez was very eager for us to publish his experience with OwOchide.

“Yeah, so the other day, I had a few of my acquaintances come up to me in the hallway and ask if I was tryna obtain something strange in exchange for some change. They pulled out this white substance and I was just about to take it when I thought back to my fifth grade health teacher—I think her name was Ms. Reibestein. She told me to not give in to peer pressure. She was the only positive female role model in my life, and I could not let her down.” Atparteez, visibly excited by his recounting, took a moment to adjust his suspenders and check the time with the pocket watch he had placed in his back pocket, before violently repositioning the chair on which he sat. He continued his story, now in a more aggressive and assertive tone. “So, I said NO to drugs. I told my friends, ‘Do you know what Ms. Reibestein told me? She told me to NEVER do drugs and to NEVER give in to scum like you.’ I proceeded to swipe the funny white substance from their devious little palms and I threw it, proudly and defiantly, into the correctly-colored garbage bin. I turned my head and stormed away, smirking as I knew that I had put them in their place.” Parteez, breathing heavily, fondled the collar of his plaid, button-down shirt for 20 seconds before leaving the room. He was seen clicking his heels down the hallway while simultaneously performing an acapella version of the Teen Titans Go! theme song.

Recently, sophomore Dewnaught Deaud-Rugs was admitted to Bellevue Hospital for entering an “either hallucinogenic or catatonic state,” which is believed to be caused by OwOchide. We were able to get a hold of one of his friends, Pierre Pressure.

“Y’know, I just thought he was playing League of Legends all night over the weekend again. But when I stared into his eyes, I noticed that they were blank. He wasn’t looking at anything, y’know? He’s not normally like this. He was a good kid, always read his Wattpad fanfictions about Pegleg Pete and played Among Us on the weekends. I even went to this kid’s birthday party a week ago. It really is sad to see him in such a sussy condition.” Pressure paused for a considerable period of time. “He would’ve appreciated the sus joke.” The interviewer then quickly left the room.

The long-term effects that OwOchide will have on our school community remains unknown, as it is too soon to detail the impacts. Some proposals created by the Student Union have suggested randomly testing students for OwOchide, in a similar manner to the random COVID tests. Conspiracy theorists have gone as far as to claim that the administration is already testing for OwOchide, but under the disguise of standard COVID tests. The administration has suggested beginning mid-exam rapid tests for the drug, specifically during calculus and chemistry exams, as well as creating a center to treat OwOchide addiction within the Nurse’s office. In fact, school officials have already made anti-OwOchide flyers, which you can find near the bridge. A tagline for these ads reads “How would PegLeg Pete feel? Let the ONLY drug in your body be caffeine!”

As this case involved narcotics, it had to be reported to the NYPD, who closely collaborated with Stuyvesant’s administration to find the mastermind. NYPD officer Walt Erwhight spoke to us about the progress on the case. “Well, I hope whoever is behind this comes forward soon enough. Maybe they’ll record themselves, in a ‘to all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt’ kind of thing, you feel me? The sad thing about the drug trade nowadays is that it can be done from anywhere. We don’t know if this kid is operating from within the school or Albuquerque, New Mexico!”