E-mails From a College

July 2020

Dear Prospective Student,

Greetings! My name is Bobert Robert, and I’m your personal admissions officer at the University of Institute Saint McHarverd. I’ll be in touch with you over the next few months making sure you can figure out how to apply through, you guessed it, the Common App! Hope to hear from you soon! And you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll be sending annoying information your way before long!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

P.S. I got your information from the College Board by paying them a few bucks for “people who got above 1000 on the SAT superscored.” Good luck unsubscribing!

August 2020

To My Dearest Prospective Student,

Hey, kitten. How are you doing? Are you enjoying the summer? I’m just writing to tell you how much I think you’d be a great fit for the University of Institute Saint McHarverd. I’ve attached photos of our campus, which will allow you to see that we do, in fact, have grassy quads. But ours are unique because U.S. News rated us #37 on their list of colleges that exist near “Random Small Towns in South Connectichusetts!” Wow, what a great and shining accolade of our success!

Also, because I’m soooo eager to read your essays, I’ve marked you as an Excellence Frontier Shining Star Majestic Scholarly Academic student! With your EFSSMSA application, you’ll be exempt from the actual fee we charge students to apply to our school because we aren’t rich enough already.

You will apply, right?

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

September 2020

To My Loveliest Prospective Student,

How are you doing? Are you enjoying the fall, sweetie? I’m just writing to tell you that I still don’t have your application! Now, I know that it’s September, and literally nobody has their applications in yet, but I’m really hoping to see you as an applicant to the University of Institute Saint McHarverd. (Just in case you forgot, U.S. News rated us #37!)

Your EFSSMSA status awaits!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

October 2020

To My Most Delightful Prospective Tuition-Payer,

How great it is to say hello! You still haven’t read any of my e-mails, clicked on any of their links, or submitted your EFSSMSA application! You haven’t even made an account on our application platform! That’s gotta be a glitch, right? After all, I have a feeling you’d do slightly above average at the University of Institute Saint McHarverd. So what are you waiting for? After all, we’re so eager to have you apply that we’ll waive our SAT requirements, just for you!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

November 2020

To My Favorite Person to E-mail,

Hello there! Since I last e-mailed you, you’ve received 85 e-mails from other people at the University of Institute Saint McHarverd, who were definitely not all me in disguise. And you still never clicked on any of them! If I weren’t so smart, I’d think you were avoiding me! Do I need to remind you of our U.S. News award-winning location? Or our one somewhat-famous alum, who is a master of modern interpretive dance? The residential hall we’re renovating that won’t be ready until after you graduate? Because that’s all waiting right here through your EFSSMSA application! You don’t even need to submit essays to apply as an EFSSMSA student anymore, and if you do send in essays, we definitely won’t not read them entirely! Don’t forget to apply now to be included in our priority review!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

December 2020

To My Applicant-I-Require-Because-Small-Liberal-Arts-Colleges-Are-Suffering-During-Coronavirus,

Hiya! Forgot about me? I sure hope not! (Especially since there are now over 300 unread e-mails from our school sitting in your inbox! I know because I’ve been tracking them all!) I’d just like to let you know that my EFSSMSA offer still stands. In fact, just for you, I’ll knock off the GPA requirement! All you need to apply is to click on your application down below and send us your name! We’ll even give you $1,000 in grants if you just submit before EDII! Just send in your application right away! Like now! Please!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

January 2020

To You, My Precious Lovely Prospective Applicant,

Hey! Apply yet? Did you apply? Want money? I can give you money! TEN THOUSAND! ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND! Just apply already! Literally just click on the link below, and your application will automatically be submitted!

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

-Bobby

February 2020

TO YOU, MY ARCHENEMY,

IF YOU DO NOT APPLY, I SHALL SEND AVALANCHES OF OUR MERCHANDISE TO YOUR HOUSE. I KNOW YOUR ADDRESS. I KNOW YOUR FAMILY. I READ YOUR DIARY. YOU CAN’T HIDE. YOUR FINAL DEADLINE EXTENSION IS UNTIL MARCH 13TH. SUBMIT NOW.

Bobert.

March 2020

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for submitting your application! We’ll get back to you soon.

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert

April 2020

Dear Applicant,

What a crazy year it’s been! So many talented, average students have applied. Unfortunately, we don’t have enough room in the University of Institute Saint McHarverd class of 2025 to admit you. Sorry!

Sincerely,

Bobert Robert