Elon Musk’s Competition for the Next Twitter CEO

Multibillionaire and self-proclaimed “rad boi” Elon Musk announced his $44 billion takeover of Twitter in April of 2022, and it’s been very hard to keep up with the Twitter Saga since. Here’s the latest information.

In both child-naming and tech, Elon Musk continues to be a trailblazer in Silicon Valley by kickstarting the trend of making a multibillion-dollar decision “for funsies.” According to the man himself, Elon got no sleep from running a gazillion companies at once, then got “straight up elevated on some green stuff with Joe Rogan,” and then visualized a throne serenaded by songbirds, all singing in unison. Musk knew it was time to act.

Musk planned to free the speech of controversial public figures, announcing, “Twitter is an angry parrot cage. Of course, parrots are able to repeat what their human owners say to them; thus, they must be able to repeat what they say to each other. The parrots all say different things at the same time, so they are just copying each other’s statements. However, everyone wants to say something different and bash one another’s opinions. The birds reproduce into bird bots that continue the bashing.”

Stuyvesant principal Seung Yu said, “I wish Stuyvesant could be a place like Twitter, where our proud students would have the space to argue pugnaciously with each other about anything under the sun, whether it be about the best cinematic Spiderman or the best teacher. Personally, I’m diehard Garfussy all the way, but I digress. I think that Facebook isn’t the right place for this, so hopefully we can use Twitter. Seung out. Peace!”

Prompted by Mr. Yu’s insightful comment, Musk immediately decided to fire approximately 99.9 percent of the Twitter workforce, tweeting, “Yu rules, Musk doesn’t suc-sk!”

To decide who will be the next CEO of the world’s smallest company (Musk is the only current employee), Elon Musk will choose from three candidates:

1. Sam Bankman-Fried, commonly known as Sam Bankrupt-Fraud (SBF). SBF has put his gold-plated hat in the ring and says he would like to use Twitter for environmental purposes: “As the former golden boy of cryptocurrency, it is my job to make sure that Twitter stays the loudmouth of crypto lovers and bandwagons. Crypto is all about financial security. That’s why we’re based in the Bahamas, a place where our money is secure from taxes and our customers don’t have to worry about me because I’m chilling at the beach.” Elon Musk appreciates SBF’s contempt for the U.S. government and theSecurities and Exchange Commission (SEC). However, Musk is unsure as to why SBF is still buying Sweetgreen salads while he’s down to his last $50 after FTX went bankrupt. SBF says his vegan diet shows that he is a smart person who cares about the environment because it’s not in his nature to steal from others.

2. Jimmy Donaldson, aka Mr. Beast, dubbed the King of Youtube. He is extremely popular among children and therefore likely to gain huge popularity among many Twitter users, including angry adults and loudmouth political pundits who fight to ensure that Gen Z inherits a better world. These people definitely offer very insightful and unbiased opinions on the political issues of our country today. Of course, their views are very unbiased and definitely not liberal or conservative in nature.

3. Snoop Dogg. To make Twitter a more tranquil and productive ecosystem of ideas, he knows just the way to make everybody relax and think for a second on a higher level, literally. Snoop is extremely respected by Mark Zuckerberg, who credits Snoop for helping him to realize the Metaverse and its huge business potential. Mark subsequently walked back his statement after Meta stock fell. However, he double-walked back his statement saying, “Meta’s inevitable bankruptcy made me realize that I needed to spend time with my kids before it was too late. Anyways, my company is doomed and there is no point in going to work so I think I’ll just stay on the Metaverse buying up virtual real estate for now.”