Embezzlement Scandal in the Band Department

In a school where nearly 50 percent of students are eligible for free or reduced lunch, $50 sounds like an exorbitant amount of money to expect of students at any time. Nevertheless, Stuyvesant’s Music department is historically known to levy this fee upon all band and orchestra students, claiming that the money goes to repairing the drool-splattered, dented 20-year-old instruments, funding the sheet music that suspiciously seem to be recycled year after year, and buying a bunch of guitar scale posters in the hopes that freshmen will absorb via osmosis the ability to play Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train.”

While trying to explain the true rationale behind the hefty fee, music teacher Dr. Gregor Winkel replied with, “We have had instances where people were printing their own money.” However, with Stuyvesant students’ uncanny ability to only become brilliant when their life is on the line, it is no surprise that students would actually resort to such measures. Thus, to protect the world from devastation and unite all peoples within our nation, Jessie, James, and the Humor department (sorry, Meowth) decided to take it into their own hands and sleuth for a decades-old unanswered question: where do the band fees go?

Our investigation began in the first-floor halls. Sophomore and concert band flutist, Sunny Bok, confused by a perpetually excited Dr. Winkel as Johannes Bach’s Korean counterpart, weighed in on the issue. “I had long suspected that the Music department was misusing their so-called ‘band fees,’” Bok confessed. “Once I even saw Dr. Winkel surreptitiously open a manila envelope with a student’s name on it to pay for his chicken nuggets!”

Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. With the collection of this year’s band fees, students have begun to report seeing Dr. Winkel carry around boxes of 40-piece McNuggets throughout the school daily.

The investigation carried on to scanning through school documents. Upon further inspection, some incredibly incriminating details about former Assistant Principal of Music, Art, and Technology Dr. Raymond Wheeler surfaced. Famous for his catchphrase “Stop noodling around,” and as Dr. Winkel’s predecessor and long-time partner in crime when it comes to catching student phone use in band class, Wheeler’s retirement was paid tribute by The Spectator News department for his years of teaching and dedication.

In his interview with The Spectator, Dr. Wheeler gave some insight into how he plans to spend his retirement, confessing his love for indulging in the likes of fine coffee and tropical cruises accompanied by his wife. To afford such luxuries, Dr. Wheeler has most definitely been doing some “noodling around” of his own with the band fees, especially in preparation for his departure. Furthermore, it appears Dr. Wheeler has been speaking in code this whole time, alluding to a major clue in tracking down his next cruise destination: Italy, home of Renaissance art, pizza, and of course, pasta noodles.

Unfortunately for Dr. Wheeler, it seems his Italian vacation will be short-lived. With band students getting craftier with their methods every year, it appears that Dr. Wheeler’s funds have run short. As for Dr. Winkel, following in Dr. Wheeler’s footsteps, it seems he, too, is gearing up for a very lavish, relaxing retirement in spite of this year’s lower payout, as the sole recipient of this year’s “bread.”