ENDGAME SPOILERS

Hello, what is up, my fellow 3400 classmates trapped in TriBeCa? It’s your favorite group of journalists, the Spectator Humor department! With the highly anticipated release of “Endgame,” coming out at a rather inconvenient time, we understand that it is not an ideal time to watch movies, pirate the movie, or snap yourself out of existence because of the burgeoning responsibilities placed upon you. We also understand that not everyone is financially fortunate to watch this masterpiece of cinematography, which is why it is our pleasure to help the Stuyvesant community save time and money by revealing every detail in “Endgame.” Enjoy, and no need to thank us, we’re just doing our job lookin’ out for you all!

* At the end, it’s revealed that the entire MCU was just a bunch of five-year-olds playing pretend.

* The EICs of the Stuyvesant Spectator snaps Thanos out of existence.

* Two hours into the movie, the characters themselves take a bathroom break.

* An hour into the movie, an antivirus alert pops up saying that notpiratedmovies.com isn’t a reliable website.

* Antman doesn’t actually explore Thanos’s nether regions… but someone’s nanotechnology does.

* Thanos’s snap is undone by an interpretive form of dance.

* “Endgame” dies in endgame.

* Thanos isn’t vaccinated and is killed by the measles, and will be revived for “Infinity War 2” by a mom who is 69 percent British, 30 percent German, and 0.000000000001 percent Native American (though she vibes with Hindu culture) and her healing crystals.

* The post-credits scene has the Avengers Juuling on Titan.

* When Thanos gets killed, the Avengers start singing “Sweet Victory.”

* Halfway through, you can hear the moaning of the two idiots who decided that a 7:00 a.m. screening of “Endgame” was the best time to get it on.

* Shrek gets the Infinity Gauntlet.

* “Old Town Road” is played in the post-credits scene.

* Batman dies.

* I saw a dog during minute 78 of the movie.

* The mandatory big fight scene is just a Fortnite stream.

* Stan Lee gets dusted in the beginning as part of a sick, morbid joke by the Russo Brothers.

* It’s the final battle. Thor—all glowing and god-like—has Thanos pinned to the ground, Stormbreaker lightly and threateningly leaned against Thanos’s throat. Thor asks, “Any last words?” Thanos closes his eyes and slowly croaks out, “Save Odin.” His rage intensifying, Thor asks, “How do you know that name?”—all mean and angry-like. Thanos, with his eyes closed, slowly moans, “It was my father’s name.” Thor’s eyes widen, and he slowly steps off of Thanos’s chest, dropping Stormbreaker to the ground simultaneously. He drops to his knees limply, all that lightning coursing through him suddenly dissipated, and cries into Thanos’s chest about his dead family. Meanwhile, Thanos is furiously snapping his fingers, trying to get Thor off of his body, but the Infinity Stones will not touch a man who is broken.

* In the Endgame HISHE video with that ending, Thanos winks at the camera as he’s lying on the ground, and the audience comes to realize that Loki is up to his nasty old tricks again.

* In the grand scene where the Avengers are beaten and broken down and Captain Marvel comes in to save the day (to the track “Immigrant Song,” of course, as she descends from the clouds in bolts of energy in slow-motion), Thanos snaps the Old Lady Skrull into existence. Without missing a beat, Captain Marvel proceeds to chase the old lady around for the rest of the movie, as a cat pursues its ball of yarn.

* Once all the heroes are revived, Drax wrestles Thanos for the Infinity Gauntlet. He finally gets it on, and before anyone can react, he snaps. Once the lights and smoke clear, we see he is gone. In his place is a floating bag of Zarg Nuts, which is slowly being raised into an invisible orifice.

* Bruce Banner goes to counseling sessions with the Hulk. Soon enough, they’re touting their “performance issues” on ED medicine commercials. The green guy will do ANYTHING for green.

* They showed the trailer for “A Dog’s Way Home” and I started crying before the movie even started.

* Joker dies.