Escalator Men to the Rescue

With a record number of zero functional escalators, every stairway in Stuyvesant was filled to maximum capacity (even the Hudson stairwell, to the dismay of potheads and horny students everywhere). The dilemma was urgent: how would the school satisfy the students’ need for doing as little work as possible and account for their wildly inadequate physical condition?

The answer, put forth by a “collaboration” between the Student Union and Principal Eric Contreras, was to have a temporary replacement for the more-unusable-than-usual escalators: escalator men. The school hired 18 so-called “escalator men,” and every two of them are stationed at the top and bottom of the escalators. Each escalator man is equipped with a metal chair duct-taped to his waist so that students can sit on the chair “comfortably” while the escalator man Naruto-runs up and down the stairs. For the low price of $50 per ride, students will never have to walk again. And for an additional $10, the escalator men offer to whisper comforting words to boost students’ self-esteem and morale as they carry their passengers up the stairs. For an extra $15, they offer to even sing you an inspirational song like “All Star” by Smash Mouth. The funds would go toward changing the pool water from tears to Kool-Aid.

“It is the (only) brilliant idea from the Student Union; nothing could be more appropriate or efficient compared to this system,” Principal Contreras proudly proclaimed. “Its speed is unprecedented, working at an astonishing rate of eight students per minute. No longer will any student have an excuse to be late to class. We are even considering the permanent implementation of this system in our school.”

Proponents of this system praise its consistency and ability to deliver. Junior Beracah Lam admitted, “The chairs are very comfortable, and the escalator men don’t break down nearly as much as the escalators did—physically, that is. Emotionally, they are always dying. That’s good enough for me.”

Students, as well as adults, are welcome to register for this volunteer opportunity, which begins September 29 in the Senior Atrium. The opportunity also comes with .01 percent extra credit in physical education.

“I realized the practicality of this opportunity immediately—walking up stairs with a student strapped to your back is an incredibly useful skill to learn and will make up for the 57 consecutive gym P.E. classes that I’ve cut,” senior Kerwin Chen said. “Plus, it really prepares you for the workforce, like when your boss will make you carry work and college debt on your back while he does nothing except reap profits. I love it.”