Escalator Policy Change

Stuyvesant is notorious for its frail students and permanent caffeine smell in the hallways due to a huge workload and sleepless nights full of tears.

Physical Education teacher Dr. Anna Markova has worked with Principal Eric Contreras to come up with a plan to fix these issues, and after many months of hard work, the principal has implemented a new escalator policy to promote healthy living. This new escalator policy requires that students go up the down escalator and down the up escalator.

“Students will be able to work out between classes and not just every other day for 40 minutes. Fifteen minutes, actually, since I spent the other 25 minutes teaching my kids about the 50 different functions of the piriformis stretch,” Dr. Markova said.

To enforce this policy, Principal Contreras plans on having a rotation system in which teachers monitor a pair of escalators when they have a free period, and people found violating this policy must perform 50 pushups before rushing to their next class.

“I really like this policy actually,” senior Mitch Choi said. “It gives me an excuse to show off my bicipital aponeurosis to the whole school instead of just the 50 people in my gym class. This way, I might actually get a flower this year during the flower sale!”

However, even with the potential to display various enlarged muscle groups, many students also opposed the policy, as shown through an online survey conducted by The Spectator. Unfortunately, all the students who opposed the policy were too sick and frail to come to school for an interview.

“This policy is very promising,” Contreras said. “And hopefully, the change in room temperature due to the generated body heat will directly correlate with [the student’s] grades.”