Excerpts From the Blog of Hades

Being the God of the Underworld Is Boring

It gets lonely in the Underworld sometimes. My wife, Persephone, is only with me for about half of the year, and my dog, Cerberus, isn’t much of a conversationalist. He’s great at giving me a slobbery bath, but as the God of the Underworld, I prefer to bathe in the tears of the damned.

Most of my days are just spent sitting on the throne and staring into the abyss, wondering where I went wrong with my miserable life. It’s about time I took a break. Maybe I should check up on my siblings. You know, the ones that cast me from Mount Olympus and forced me to live in the Underworld. Isn’t that exactly what siblings are for?

Recently, I heard that the Gods have been invested in this dating app: Tinder. It would be hilarious to watch them make a huge mess of themselves during these Tinder dates. Especially Zeus. He's had so many lovers that it would be a miracle if he ever found “true love.” This Tinder stalking idea is sounding better and better every second. Yeah, let’s do that.

My Dear Brother Zeus Spends a Little Too Much Time Bragging About His Lightning Bolt

Zeus is probably the most faithful husband I know of. He respects his wife by cheating on her daily. What more can a God do to prove his loyalty to his wife, besides flirting with other women? Am I right, or am I right?

On Godly WeChat, Zeus couldn’t stop bragging about how he scored this date with this mortal named Samantha, a kindergarten teacher. In my opinion, that’s actually a pretty good match. Samantha could probably teach my brother some of the childhood manners he forgot (or never learned).
The date was on a Friday at a Starbucks Café. I always hate going there because they always spell my name as “Hate” (it takes all of my willpower not to send them to the Underworld), but for the sake of some entertainment, I decided to go and see how the date would fare. I really hope this ends in a bloodbat—I mean, I hope Zeus has a nice time!

Samantha arrived first at 5:00 p.m. Zeus didn’t show for a good two hours (as per usual). When he did arrive, he came in a golden limousine, wearing a floral shirt with shorts decorated with pink clouds. It seemed like after all these years, Zeus still hadn’t learned fashion.

I almost snorted out my drink when I heard Zeus say, “Hey girl, are you my sister Hestia? Because you really stoke my fire.”
Seriously, that has to be one of the top 10 worst pick-up lines to use. And I don’t think Samantha appreciated being compared to Zeus’s sister either. Samantha kept pretending to be interested in what Zeus was talking about, but I’m pretty sure she only understood every fifth word.

Though she definitely heard him loud and clear when he said, “You know… there’s something on me that’s pretty big. It radiates masculinity and would definitely put a smile on your face.”
“Ugh, I’m not interested in hearing about your-” Samantha tried to decline before being cut off.
Zeus abruptly cut in, “It’s my shiny lighting bolt. Doesn’t it just put a smile on your face?”
At that point, I think Zeus blew any chance he had with Samantha. Samantha got up, threw her frappuccino at Zeus’s face, and walked out.
I would’ve stayed at the café to laugh at Zeus being embarrassed by a mortal, but he would’ve caught me at some point, and I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Zeus’s wrath, especially after how drastically his date had failed.

And… that was the end of the greatest love story ever told between Zeus and Samantha.

Aphrodite’s Relationship With Abs

Aphrodite was more active on dating apps than any other God I knew. Seriously, I tried checking her Tinder profile, and apparently, she had scheduled dates with 10 different men. Aphrodite is only interested in someone’s abs and how chiseled they are. As a kid, Aphrodite learned her numbers by counting the abs of the other Gods, hence why she was never great at math.

Aphrodite ended up matching with a mortal named Jonathan in Hawaii. I had honestly thought Zeus was the worst at pick-up lines, but Aphrodite managed to one-up him.

Her first text to Jonathan was, “Hello Jonathan! Can you please send me a picture of your abs so I can decide on whether or not to keep texting you?” I haven’t been in the dating scene for a few millennia now, but I don’t think people usually ask for pictures of someone’s stomach when first meeting them (and if you’re wondering, I most definitely hacked into Aphrodite’s phone). I didn’t take a course on Abs-ology like Aphrodite did, but I could tell my sister was at the top of her class when she described Jonathan’s abs.

She texted back, “Ok. You have a 12-pack with each ab being two inches in length and your triceps being six inches in width with a circumference of five pi. You’re qualified to date me.” I don’t even know how she figured out those measurements. Actually, I don’t want to know. But wow, talk about high standards.

They spent the first few weeks texting each other through Tinder because Aphrodite thought that the tickets to Hawaii were too expensive on the Greek Gods Express Line. But, the trouble started when Jonathan was convinced that Aphrodite wasn’t who she claimed she was. He demanded her to meet him in his villa in Hawaii. After much persuasion, Aphrodite finally agreed to the meet-up and booked a ticket on the Greek Gods Express Line. In my opinion, she paid too much for her ticket. I could’ve found her a cheaper flight ticket on the Underworld Airlines, though I don’t think she would’ve appreciated being seated next to skeletons.

When Aphrodite knocked on Jonathan’s door, Jonathan showed up at the door already shirtless. He looked really shocked. Honestly though, he shouldn’t have been the one who was shocked. Turns out Jonathan didn’t have the 12-pack abs that he had flexed about. Those pictures were just the result of photoshopping. Anyway, much to his surprise, Aphrodite didn’t come alone. She had brought her boyfriend Ares. You know, Ares, the God of bloodshed and war. While following Aphrodite around for the past few weeks, I had learned that he wasn’t particularly happy with Jonathan flirting with Aphrodite.

Funny logic, I know. Aphrodite was the one who initiated these interactions, yet the poor mortal was the one getting the blame. Aphrodite had gotten caught one day when Ares saw the Tinder notification, but she managed to slip her way out of the sticky situation by telling a few white lies. Namely, that Jonathan had been the one trying to get her attention.

Ares roared, “Ey Jonathan, you really trying to slide into my girlfriend’s DMs? You know who she is? You should’ve really thought things through bro.”

I could tell that things were about to get violent. Ares was already rolling up his sleeves and shooting death stares at Jonathan. Aphrodite probably could’ve stopped Ares, but I think she wanted her boyfriend to beat up Jonathan because of the catfishing more than anything.

Ares ended up beating him to a bloody death, and it was actually pretty fun to watch. I should really keep up with my sister’s date nights more, they’re like having front row seats to a K-Drama.

Moral of the story: don’t flirt with the Goddess of Love because chances are, you’re gonna end up with a knuckle-sandwich from Ares.

Enough Godly Stalking for One Day

Unfortunately, my posts were found by Zeus, who in turn told Aphrodite (because he was too chicken to face me alone). So that concludes my blog postings. After all, I wasn’t trying to pick a fight with my siblings, I just wanted entertainment. Nevertheless, though this only included two Tinder dates, a lot happened. Too much happened. I’m really happy that at least SOMEONE got bashed to death. Even if the reasons weren’t totally sound…

Eh, who cares. All that matters is that things got interesting, and I actually went outside into the mortal realm for once. But all this goes to show that Tinder is NOT fit for Gods to use. All it does is cause chaos. But I suppose this means more tea for me to spill, as the mortals like to say.

Remember to smash that follow button, and keep up with my blog posts, though my next blog post might be after a few millennia. It’ll take a while for Zeus and Aphrodite to overcome the embarrassment they faced. Either way, still follow me because if you don’t, I’ll send Cerberus to your home, and you can be his new chew toy.