Excuses for Being Late

School still starts at the unholy hour of 8 a.m., and the train delays can only cover your latenesses for so long. When the excuses start to run out, can you bear telling the truth—that you tried to fit 12 hours into half an hour—to your teachers? Of course not. So, here’s a list of excuses that you can give them instead.

MTA-related:

* “There was a giraffe on the train, and I had an allergic reaction to it.”

* “The 2/3 line was delayed, which made the 4/5 delayed, which made the H/X delayed, which delayed me.”

* “Someone was performing, and they kicked me in the depressor labii inferioris. I had to get medical attention.”

* “I dropped my math notes on the train track, and I spent about half an hour calculating the probability of death if I tried to get them. I eventually figured that it wasn’t worth it so I went home and rewrote them.”

* “An anti-vaxxer was on the train, so I couldn’t get on.”

* “A fat man decided to sit next to me and fall asleep on me on the train, and I wasn’t strong enough to push him off, so I could only get off when he did, which was the last stop.”

Weather-related:

* “There was too much sun, and as an overworked teenager, my skin is only accustomed to darkness.”

* “The temperature was below 80 degrees, and it was too cold. I have no fat since I haven’t eaten a meal since the first day of freshman year.”

* “It was very cloudy today and I don’t trust clouds since water is clear but clouds are white. I waited until the sun came out.”

Miscellaneous:

* “My printer ate my homework. It bit my hand when I tried to grab it.”

* “I tried running this morning before class. My head said yes, but everywhere else said no.”

* “To test g = 9.8 m/s2, I threw myself down the stairs and injured my right hand. I couldn’t swipe my MetroCard because it hurt so much and it took three hours to find someone who would help me.”

* “I thought my noisy alarm clock was my band class noodling, so I thought I was at school already.”

* “My parents emptied my entire bookbag because it was messy—I didn’t take notes anyway. I didn’t realize it until I got to the train station and refused to leave without my precious empty notebooks.”

* “If you round to the nearest hour, I got here on time.”

And finally, the most effective one:

The truth. Tell them why you were really late. Maybe you overslept because you spent all night studying for a test. Maybe you forgot to turn on your alarm. Maybe the trains were actually delayed. Teachers are not heartless; they’ve gone through school just like you. They’ll understand if you’re tired or your legs were sore so you couldn’t make it down the stairs in time. Instead of lying, why not just own up to it and make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Just kidding, don't do that—they’ll roast you. Please value your dignity.