Fast Food Restaurants’ Halloween

As the Halloween season settles in, it seems like just about everyone is getting into the holiday spirit! On apartment steps, windows, and Google, spooky sentiment is everywhere to be found! For what has become somewhat of a holiday tradition in recent years, fast food chains are getting into the swing of Halloween, populating their menus with holiday-themed food! However, in many areas, this rollout seems to have gone a bit too far.

The first to introduce Halloween-themed items to their edible catalog was Dunkin’ Donuts, which despite their usual autumnal enthusiasm, issued a relatively tame limited-time selection. Following a trend that started in the mid-2000s, this wave of Halloween-themed products began in January. The manager of a local chain, Brent Hamlin, noted that “People went crazy last year over this Halloween stuff. To be honest, I’m more of a Thanksgiving guy. But hey, when isn’t a Pumpkin Spice Latte delicious? No really, when? It’s becoming a problem.”

McDonald’s, on the other hand, has gone full madlad for once and amped up their Halloween menu to the peak of spookiness. They’re offering the “Frankenstein” combo, a meal with Beef French Fries, a McPotato McBurger, and Chicken Chicken Nuggets. Ronald McDonald has donned a classic skeleton outfit, which only slightly decreases the terror that the clown incites in many a young child’s heart. There’s also the new “McMystery Burger.” This item is marketed as a delicious surprise, but according to customers, it is perhaps more reminiscent of cow liver. Amidst this downright tomfoolery, recent investigations have hinted that this sudden move to Halloween-themed meals may be part of a corporate ploy that exploits a loophole in the “Edible Bone” clauses in U.S. Tax Law. The FBI is likely to move in soon. We’ve come a long way from The Hamburglar, folks.

Costco, to the surprise of many, has thrown its hat into the Halloween ring, stocking its shelves early in October with Kirkland brand “spooky” hot dogs, flashlights, and tires. Additionally, for a brief three days leading up to October 31, Halloween product purchasers were eligible to receive costumes in bulk. A recent customer remarked, “Listen, I just bought one 2x4. And now they give me five Harry Potter costumes? What kind of group costume is five Harry Potters? Botched fanfiction?”

Subway, emulating every elementary school Halloween fair, has turned its buffet-esque ordering style into a “Mystery Touch” attraction. Here, you can feel “human remains,” which may feel suspiciously like cold lettuce and meatballs. In select locations, miniature “Haunted Houses” are set up, where Subway employees terrify customers by making them order anything but a meatball parm.

Finally, Wendy’s has done nothing except reveal that the secret “MOM” in their logo is actually “WOW” upside-down. A surprise and shock, certainly.

So yeah, Halloween fast food has gotten weird and wacky as of late. But honestly, who cares? Your inner spookster will darkly compel you to devour that spider donut. Why fight it? It’s pretty good.