Five Tips for Dealing with Back-to-School Stress!

“Oh no! School is about to start and even though I said I was going to be productive over the summer, all I did was inhale Cheeto puffs and play Valorant until 3 a.m. every day!” I know, it’s like I read your mind. But don’t worry, you’re not alone! Facts are that this is just a tough time for everyone: Stuy students have to return to getting their 30-minute homework limits violated six times a day, and teachers have to return to being around Stuy students. These next few tips, if followed diligently, will lead you to social and schooling salvation.

1. Really Ease Your Way into It

I know it can be tricky to jump straight back into the vigorous Stuy schedule right after a summer of relaxation and hanging out with friends (don’t worry, I don’t have any either). But really, who says you need to go full throttle straight from the get go? No, don’t listen to those pesky teachers; they don’t know what’s best for you—you know what’s best for you. So, if you need, just take your time. Go to school the days you feel well, and decompress on your sofa on the days you’d rather infect more of your parents’ time. Plus, you don’t even have to worry about homework. I mean, just look at the word “homework”: it literally has the word home in it, and a teacher cannot dictate what you can and cannot do once you’re in the confines of your humble abode. In my opinion, it’s a little oppressive, so interpret everything as being optional. And you know, eventually, as you get used to the “swang of thangs,” you can return to being a full-time Stuyvesant laborer, but do not, under any circumstances, rush that process.

2. Allow Yourself to Be Consumed

If you have been conditioned beyond repair and you are just chomping at the bit, waiting to just sink your teeth into some calculus or history homework, then this step might work better than the previous one. Pretty much, instead of relaxing, just work. And I mean WORK. Become one with the schooling material. When you finish your homework, do it again! Ensure everything is perfect and just the way your teachers want it to be. When you’ve triple checked everything, study and read your textbooks until your eyes are filled with tears. In a comparably condensed amount of time, you’ll forget what it’s like to have fun and what it’s like to have a life. That academic validation is a drug, man, and you will wish you never have to go back to that summertime sadness. You can’t miss what you don’t remember!

3. Focus on Your Upperclassmen

Have you ever felt that as your grade level rises, the number of reasons you have to wake yourself up in the morning plummets? Fear not, for there is a simple solution to this issue: just focus on the garbage the grade above you has to deal with. Worried about leaving middle school and entering the pits of hell, AKA high school? Well, at least you’re not a freaking sophomore—they’re one step closer to that mysterious entity called adulthood. If you are a sophomore now, at least you aren’t a junior heading into the worst year of your life! Juniors worried about getting good grades for college? At least you don’t have to apply for college! And if any of my senior peers are reading this and feeling confused on what they should do, I’m sorry. All hope is lost, but good luck.

4. Self-Acceptance

“Oh boo-hoo, I have to go back to my labor-intensive school where all my teachers are so super duper mean to me and on top of that I have to commute six hours to get there.” Cry me a river, cupcake. This tip is about understanding how you ended up in this exact position. Did the NYC public high school gods randomly decide to punish you with this arduous school selection? No! You chose to go to Stuy. You cursed your future self with this lifestyle when you filled in those bubbles on the SHSAT. The moment you realize once and for all that you are culpable, everything will flow a little more easily. Self-acceptance is the key, broseph. So stop weeping inconsolably and work on that 10-page research paper already.

5. Vent Your Emotions

Finally, it is important that you don’t keep all those painful feelings all bottled up inside. If you do, you’ll explode, or worse, do marginally worse on your next pop quiz. So find a way to get ‘em all out. You can complain to everyone you know: friends, family, etc. Make them despise you as much as you despise that workload. Another tried-and-tested strategy is to take it all out on your pillow; verbally and physically abuse that fabric like you wish you could do to the College Board. There are so many ways to let the demon out, so I’ll just list a few more: pick fights with random strangers on Chambers Street, participate in a demolition derby, meditate, meditate while you do homework, meditate while you run around Chambers Street in a ski mask looking for opponents (or as I like to call them, opportunities), commit arson, and more.

Alright, that’s it for me. Remember, you’re not in this alone. If you’re really overwhelmed, reach out to your counselor. Of course, I, Vincent D’Angelo, am in no way legally responsible for or complicit in any physical injury or crime committed upon adherence to these dubious strategies. Peace!