Four Days of Paltry Poultry and Foul Fowls

Have you ever been invited to a Thanksgiving potluck dinner only to realize at the last minute that you have no clue what to bring? Well, it just so happens that you’re in luck, because this article will present to you the best ideas ever to avert your next potluck catastrophe at the hands of the pair of anguishes … in the style of 12 Days of Christmas!

Wait. What was that you said? That’s a Christmas song? Oh, don’t be silly. Of course, I knew that. Everybody knows that when the clock strikes 12:00 a.m. on November 1, spooky season ends and a winter wonderland steals its place like Stuyvesant students flooding Talos after AP course selections are released or the spirits of Christmas past, present, and future relentlessly chasing after Ebenezer Scrooge. That is why the fourth Thursday of every November should be entirely consumed with Christmas preparations.

Huh? I have to write this article about Thanksgiving, or else I’ll get fired? Okay, fine—but we have to modify the song to fit our allotted time length, because school only gives us four days to get our turkey game on (and because nobody needs more than four items to take to a potluck, unless you are at a great risk of DEATH ROW!!!). Here, I present to you the savior of your friendsgiving suppers: Four Days of Thanksgiving!

1. On the first day of Thanksgiving, my true love gave to me

Some poultry in a pear tree.

We all know the most critical part of a Thanksgiving feast is the turkey; it is simply a violation of the Chri—I mean—the Thanksgiving spirit for “Thanksgiving dinner” and “no turkey” to coexist in the same setting. It’s called Turkey Day, after all. Thus, the correct course of action to take would be to stand on the side and wait for some other partygoer to provide the turkey. Imagine how many things could go wrong if that stressful honor were bestowed upon you! No, you should sit out, skip communication with the other guests (that would ruin the surprises!), and hope that some particularly excited individual takes the responsibility upon themselves. It’s only the kind thing to do!

1. On the second day of Thanksgiving, my true love gave to me

Two pumpkin sauces,

And some poultry in a pear tree.

Fall simply cannot be allowed to pass without the distinct palate of pumpkin—it would be such a shame if we did not find a way to work our iced grande oat milk 12-sugar, light-cream, vanilla cold foam pumpkin spice lattes into our Thanksgiving potluck. With it, we can kill two birds (or fruits) with one sauce: combine pumpkins with cranberry sauce! Nobody likes cranberry sauce anyway (and being the bearer of such a condiment would probably get your dentist sentenced to public stoning), so the superior option would be to incorporate our lovely spiced autumn representative ingredient, which currently should be in surplus thanks to Halloween excess ( if not, just steal it from someone who forgot to clean up after Halloween’s porch, it’s guaranteed fresh!), and whip up some pumpkin sauce. Delicious.

1. On the third day of Thanksgiving, my true love gave to me

Three get-well-soon cards,

Two pumpkin sauces,

And some poultry in a pear tree.

Thanksgiving is a holiday for gratitude and giving thanks, so obviously, the most logical item to express your appreciation and gratitude would be a card. What, you think food is the best expression of love? “The way to a man’s heart is through the stomach?” How old-fashioned of you. Cards are all the rage nowadays. Of course, the design of the card must be very deliberate. Think about your audience; if somebody were hosting a Thanksgiving potluck, I can’t imagine the stress they’d be under … because who in their right mind would be celebrating Thanksgiving instead of Christmas? Give them your best wishes and some off-brand get-well-soon cards from Target.

1. On the fourth day of Thanksgiving, my true love gave to me

Four human souls,

Three get-well-soon cards,

Two pumpkin sauces,

And some poultry in a pear tree.

If you really want to shed blood, sweat, and tears to show your gratitude towards your potluck party, bringing human souls is the way to go—the taste is immaculate (they say incompetent victims who died after they blew up their house trying to overcook a fried turkey still retain a particularly fowly flavor), especially if your fellow partygoers are exhausted students slaving through sleepless nights, endless essays, and Life™ in general. Since you can only bring four human souls, however, your peers must fight a brutal battle over the privilege to possess such a luxury… that is, if you have more than four friends.

And there you have it! If you did happen to be worried about what to bring to a Thanksgiving dinner, I hope this list gave you some inspiration to avoid sentencing yourself and your lawyer to the Brazen Bull. If you were not worried and do not, in fact, have any plans to celebrate the upcoming holiday, I hope this list serves as a reminder to begin your Christmas list. Procrastinate on homework, not on letters to Santa. Have fun, feast well, and have a very merry Thanksgiving!