Four Ways to Escape a Dean

So, you’re sitting in the hallway, doing homework. While you’re enjoying the dull vibrancy of school, AirPods in, rocking out to some lo-fi beats, a dean strolls down the hall. Despite your quick head-phone removing reflexes, your efforts are no use for the classic dean ‘stare and walk’ method. It’s a situation we know all too well. To combat this, here are the four best ways that we recommend to get out of this tricky situation:

1. Book it. Run! This is the best option for those on a PSAL team, especially track. No dean will be able to catch you once you've scaled three floors. Just make sure you do not stop outside of a mop closet, because the deans have secret passages leading to each one.

2. “What AirPods?” Put them away and then dumbly reply, “What AirPods?” Deans can't touch you without catching charges. And if they ask for your ID, plead the fifth. Stuyvesant’s a public school and therefore a government organization, so use your constitutional rights!

3. Hypnotize Them. Pick up your hypnotizing kit from Principal Yu’s office on the first day! It takes some practice, but once you’ve got it down, you can make any dean asking you for AirPods cluck like a chicken or fall asleep on the spot. However, the second law of thermodynamics states that as time moves on, entropy always increases. So be careful you don’t leave them in a trance for too long or the entropy of their brain will increase. The longer they are in a trance, the higher the chance that their brains turn into guacamole.

4. Play Dead. Only resort to this if all other options have failed. Most deans follow the same routine each time: “Give me your ID, and your outside lunch is going to be voided for 10 days.” But they can’t take your AirPods if you're having a medical emergency! Just scream “My head!” and pretend to faint on the floor, right in front of them. They’ll call for help, and you’ll be whisked away from them, taken to safety. Warning: a dean might use a defibrillator from one of the AED stations on you, so make sure to ‘wake up’ before that, or you’ll be wishing you gave them your AirPods.