Freshmen Campaign for This Year’s “Game-Changing” Freshman Caucus Race

In an effort to make their campaign known to the thousands of Stuyvesant students rushing to their early morning classes, freshman campaigns have been lining the bridge, distributing flyers and pins to completely inattentive students.

“I printed 1900 copies of this flyer on my printer,” freshman Noa Morris said. “My mom was more than happy to make a third run to Staples for color ink.”

The freshman campaigns kept up their antics for an hour, watching their flyers get scattered all over the bridge. On one particular day, however, a flyer was seen making its way across the entire span of the bridge. In fact, this freshman entered the school with a whopping two flyers. Sarah Wong, the perpetrator, commented, “I really liked the agenda that they proposed. I picked up two to give one to my friend to see.”

What Sarah did not realize was that she had picked up flyers from two different campaigns. Both listed “working with the administration on science frees,” “the ability to enter school at 7:00 a.m.,” “more freshman electives and AP classes,” and “freshman class spirit.” The differences between their agendas were as minute as second-term seniors’ homework.

The amount of effort poured into campaign advertising this year reached record heights. The Schneider-Corr campaign team was seen hang gliding with their banner off of the seven to nine escalator. Four freshmen reported to the nurse’s office with nervous tics described as “a forceful jerk of the arm as if they were offering something to someone.”

In their victory, the Schneider-Corr campaign promises to completely revolutionize the role of the Freshman Caucus. They look forward to petitioning the administration for science frees and to being rebuked for the 12th straight year.