Gee Whiz Diner Bans Stuyvesant Students

After retaining its well-earned place in the hearts of students in and out of school for years, the Gee Whiz diner has decided to ban any Stuyvesant students from its premises after receiving several noise complaints.

The manager, Geezus Wizus, made the following statement: "We've been allowing those weird aspiring-Broadway-actor kids in for way too long. It's time they received a wake-up call that not all people want to hear sopranos gathering in circles and performing off-key renditions of 'O Fortuna' all the time."

Members of the Stuyvesant Theater Community (STC) were particular targets of the complaints. "When they were in here after their last show they sang so high one of the windows broke. This is the third time this has happened. No one's called the police for fear of being attacked by the tall one with the good butt—Alexis or something," one anonymous tipper said.

But the closure of the diner has raised fears around the school about where exactly STC will go to celebrate their shows months after they actually ended. Gee Whiz was in a prime location, just blocks from the school, and the Caucasian food selection was passable enough to appeal to the even the most picky students. Alternative options for parties have been introduced as part of an emergency action to quell a rebellion against the STC High Command, also known as the Slate; these options include (among other places): Dunkin' Donuts, eating the lights and sound crew, McDonald’s, and invading The Spectator's offices to eat their snacks (“which we don’t have,” said Editors-in-Chief Jane Rhee and Beaux Watwood, stuffing their mouths with moon pies).

Surprisingly, some students supported the closure, citing the diner's large portions. "The spaghetti bowl was way too big; it was almost the size of my palm. My raw paleo-ketogenic Weight Watchers vegan diet doesn’t allow for such blasphemous consumption," sophomore Cosmo Coen complained.

Whether theater kids will migrate to another, more welcoming environment to celebrate beating the juniors, or whether they will simply starve after the next show, remains to be seen.