George Santos, the Multitalented Wonder

As Student Union (SU) elections approach, it has become more important than ever that Stuyvesant students take a close look at the various candidates. While most SU tickets are composed of the typical ambitious Ivy-bound schemers, one candidate stands out. His name is Gregor Santoro—or so it seemed until a few days ago when Santoro revealed his true identity. After being kicked out of Congress, George Santos infiltrated Stuyvesant under a false name. He is now running for multiple SU positions, and he is his own running mate. Join the Humor Department as we dive deeper into this puzzling turn of events. A transcript of an interview with Mr. Santos himself is attached below.

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INTERVIEWER: Mr. Santos, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview! To get started, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself?

SANTOS: What a fantastic question! Good thing I’m a professional at talking about myself. I’m an Asian-American 16-year-old from a poor family in Queens. When I say poor, I’m talking dirt poor—we hardly have enough money to put food on the table. Despite all of the challenges I’ve faced, I have a perfect 100 in every one of my classes. I also got a 1600 on the SAT last month—without studying, of course. I have decided to run for president of the Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior Caucuses because I want to bestow my brilliance upon all students at Stuyvesant. 

INTERVIEWER: That’s very impressive. What exactly do you mean when you refer to your “brilliance”? Tell us more about your accomplishments.

SANTOS: I’m the captain of the Math Team and I qualified for the International Math Olympiad this year. I’m also the president of the Speech and Debate team—I compete in all of the categories—and I’m the sole Editor-in-Chief of The Spectator. I guess that makes me your superior, huh?

INTERVIEWER: Wow, I didn’t know that. [Frowns in confusion.] Anyway, let’s talk about some of the issues at the forefront of Stuyvesant students’ minds. How do you feel about the lack of diversity at Stuyvesant, and what should the SU do to make everyone feel comfortable?

SANTOS: I’m actually Black. I’m also Hispanic. Clearly, there’s no diversity problem—just look at me!

INTERVIEWER: Oh, I thought you were Asian…

SANTOS: Details, details.

INTERVIEWER: All right, then. Can you explain what your priorities would be if you were elected to be SU president?

SANTOS: Event planning would be quite important to me. In fact, I majored in event planning at Yale University—I would throw the most amazing JProm in Stuyvesant history! As for fundraising, I’m a billionaire, so I can finance everything myself. I would also prioritize Stuyvesant students’ college and career readiness. I’m close friends with many experienced professionals, including Barack Obama, Taylor Swift, Martin Luther King Jr., and Albert Einstein. All four of them would be willing to come in for guest speaker events and teach the students everything they know.

INTERVIEWER: Aren’t Martin Luther King Jr. and Einstein dead?

SANTOS: I invented a time machine and brought them to the present. 

INTERVIEWER: Great. Regarding college readiness…

SANTOS: As a Harvard graduate, I am very qualified to give fellow students good college advice. On top of that, I’ve been an SAT tutor for 30 years, so I should be able to provide personalized classes for the entire student body. 

INTERVIEWER: I thought you were 16 years old.

SANTOS: That’s what makes it so amazing!

INTERVIEWER: You really think you could single-handedly tutor thousands of students?

SANTOS: Absolutely! I have also published three test prep books—one for the PSAT, one for the SAT, and one for the ACT. If I’m elected to be SU president, all three will be distributed to Stuyvesant students for free.

INTERVIEWER: Overall, what would you say distinguishes your campaign from all of the others?

SANTOS: For one thing, I’m incredibly versatile. I have knowledge of many different fields, especially politics. As a matter of fact, I’m the current president of the United States. I have so much experience to bring to the SU! But if I had to choose one characteristic that makes my campaign radically different, it would have to be my raw honesty. I’ve never told a lie in my life, and I’m very open about all of my experiences. Stuyvesant, if you want a genuine president who will never hide anything, you should vote for George Santos.

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With that in mind, the Humor Department has fact-checked many of Santos’s claims and discovered that—

Wait, is he really the Editor-in-Chief? There’s no way. He is? I don’t want to get fired…

The Humor Department fully endorses Santos’s ticket. Best of luck to this extremely sincere candidate!