Greater Stuyvesant Empire Proclaimed

The electrified atmosphere in the theater was palpable as senior and Student Union (SU) chancellor Tahseen Chowdhury walked on stage to address the Stuyvesant body. As he walked toward the podium surrounded by a roost of 500 SU officers, the entire crowd rose in unison to salute him. It was the one year anniversary of Chowdhury’s rise to absolute power. To honor this occasion, Chowdhury officially proclaimed the birth of a Stuyvesant Empire.

This proclamation has been a long time coming. Chowdhury’s lust for power was too great for the walls of Stuyvesant to hold. Chowdhury installed swaths of high-ranking SU officers as puppet rulers in all of the other specialized high schools—easily dominating their sheer numbers.

Chowdhury’s rise began at a time of great strife and internal struggle in Stuyvesant. Rampant corruption and political inertia within the SU led to disastrous mismanagement of a few dances. The disenchanted student body turned to Chowdhury.

During his junior year, Chowdhury held rallies in the senior atrium where he gave captivating speeches. His supporters demanded access to the student lounge, and in the process, he organized it.

As a result of his initial goodwill, Chowdhury was unanimously granted full power, which he used to proclaim himself supreme chancellor. Chowdhury purged the SU of its former members and replaced them with his hundreds of supporters. He formed a secret police monitoring other class cutters and drug users. Social studies teacher Matt Polazzo wholeheartedly agreed with his policies, citing the importance of social contract theory in regulating the unruly Stuyvesant community.

Order had finally been restored, but Chowdhury knew that he could not maintain support for long with his repressive policies. He knew that for his regime to survive, he would have to expand. Using a staged incident in which a group of Brooklyn Tech students beat up a Stuyvesant freshman as casus belli, Chowdhury declared war on Brooklyn Technical High School. He quickly drafted an army with the entire freshman class and invaded the enemy school.

The students of Brooklyn Tech were brought back to Stuyvesant to be used as personal servants of the student body. Chowdhury justified his actions to the Stuyvesant community by demonstrating that with the help of servants, they would be able to delegate their work, allowing students to go to sleep on time, pass all their exams, and commit to a hundred extracurricular activities at the same time. Chowdhury then passed a rule forbidding teachers to question their students’ appearances, allowing the slaves to take exams for their masters.

“What am I doing wrong? Why aren’t my students failing? And why do my students look so different when they come in to take my monster exams?” mathematics teacher Glen Chew said in exasperation. Chew has been forced to reverse the MIT curve: 90s have been converted to 81s, 80s to 64s, and so on.

Student extracurriculars have been ever successful with the introduction of servants. “We’ve never had this many people attend our events before! I can write on my college app that I’ve made this club explode,” junior and Red Cross leader Jerry Ye pointed out.

The debate team has had to rent out an entire flotilla of school buses to serve the surge of debaters. “I can finally be at a debate tournament and a Red Cross event at the same time. Our supreme chancellor is quite the miracle worker,” junior David Vinokur quipped.