Half Floor Renovated to Become Whole Floor

“Wait, I need to use the bathroom first. Did you start recording yet?”

“Yeah, um, sorry,” I say.

“Oh, whatever. Hello! I’m Freshman Caucus co-president Tiny McFakename, and I’ll be showing you around the renovated half-floor in this video tour. We call this the Whole Half Floor.”

I pan the camera around. Freshmen are sitting in their own stench in their usual half-floor spots by the window, but where the stairwell leading down to the first floor was before is a whole new floor sandwiched between the first and second. With my other hand, I take out my index card of questions to ask.

“Wow! How did you fund this incredible project?” I read.

“We had a very successful drink sale two months ago,” McFakename says, beaming. “The trick was to take the leftover cafeteria fruits and mush them into juice. We slapped a Tropicana logo on a poster and people thought we were legit. Boom, a thousand dollars in a day.”

“A thousand dollars was enough to build a whole new floor?”

“We did also bribe the Robotics advisors so they would stop the team this year and divert their funding to us. That’s why they’re on ‘indefinite jury duty’ and ‘maternity leave.’”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

McFakename walks down a few steps to the Whole Half Floor. The ceiling isn’t very high up, so they have to crouch a bit. Luckily, I am 4’10”, so I don’t have to.

“To our left is the Freshman Crush Wall. Seniors have a Senior Crush Wall, and we felt a little FOMO so we made our own.”

“Ooh, I didn’t add mine yet.” I place the camera on a nearby desk, take out my blank geometry worksheet from my bag, and begin writing some names.

“I’ve spent some time analyzing these lists,” McFakename says, crossing their arms and gazing at the papers taped to the wall, “And I’ve noticed a pattern. There are never other freshman names on these lists. Freshmen aren’t likable. They’re always upperclassmen. Specifically, they’re always Big Sibs.”

“Oh. Hahahahahaha… that’s crazy.” I’m in the middle of hanging up my list, but I try to discreetly shield it from McFakename’s view.

“This hallway to our right is devoted to what we call Freaky Freshie Fun!” McFakename says, turning away. Relieved, I pick up the camera and take out my index card.

“‘Wow! That sounds freaky and fun! What happens in here?’”

“Great question! This hallway trains freshies in three aspects of freshmanhood: Really Big Backpacks, Really Fast Running, and Really Scary Freshie Hunters. We provide simulation training exercises to help freshies adjust to our school environment and learn the freshman psyche. See those two people in front of us?”

I move the camera so that it follows a freshie with a ginormous backpack dashing towards us. Chasing her appears to be a senior, frothing at the mouth and crawling on the ground like Sonic the Hedgehog would if he crawled.

“I AM A FRESHIE HUNTER! HUM CHUM CHUM! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! YUM YUM YUM!” he screams.

With a practiced flourish, the freshie unzips her bag and launches a bottle of Arizona at him, Ash Ketchum-style. It bops him on the nose and clatters to the floor. The senior continues crawling after her even as she Naruto-sprints away, but then a sudden realization seems to hit him. He stops in his tracks, watching the bottle roll away. 

“SHRINKFLATION HAS AFFECTEDETH THEE!” the senior wails, snatching the bottle and clutching it close to his chest. When I shift to capture his reaction, I finally see his face.

It’s my Big Sib!

“Bobby Bobbert! I haven’t seen you in so long!” I squeak, blushing. He looks up.

“Oh, hello. Did you, uh, see all that?”

“Hm?” He is so beautiful.

“Anyways, I’ve gotta get to class. Nice catching up with you, um…” Bobby hesitates. “Whatever your name is.” He turns away from me, running up to the second floor.

“Can we get back to the video?” McFakename asks impatiently. I begin to cry.