Health Class Reaches Record Popularity

In a recent survey conducted by The Spectator, health class was voted to be students’ favorite class with an outstanding vote of 98.9 percent, a huge increase from the 12.2 percent of the year before.

Assistant Principal of Health and Physical Education Brian Moran was excited to see these results. “I am proud of our school’s top-notch health education. I always believed students would find this class very fulfilling and entertaining, as it pertains to reality and brings a touch of delight to their dull cellphone-less lives,” he said.

The results of the survey were attributed to Health teacher Barbara Garber and her intellectually stimulating baby project, which requires her students to carry around a baby doll. “I let my kids get creative with the babies’ names,” Barber said. “But instead of names of drugs like ‘Marijuana,’ which I thought they would choose, I get sweet names like ‘Mary’ and ‘Jane.’Stuyvesant students are such sweet angels.”

Students have been so attached to this project that many have continued carrying their babies around even after the project was over, calling on administration to install baby playpens in every classroom. “My baby needs a place to be! I couldn’t possibly leave it on the cold hard surface of my desk. What if it falls down and has a concussion?” junior Joseph Lee said.

Due to popular request, administration has been considering adding a health elective or making health a two-semester course led by Garber, going into details about quadruplet caretaking techniques and advanced hands-free male breastfeeding techniques. “I can’t imagine not having health in my schedule. It’s basically the only reason I come to school now! If I can’t take this class anymore, I think I’m just gonna stay home to take care of my baby,” junior Peter Jin said.

Garber is also excited about what these changes to the health department could mean. “I no longer need to preach abstinence, since everyone knows how to care for a baby anyway,” she said.