Help Me, I Am Stuck in a Hole in Battery Park

Hey guys! It’s me, your boy Jordan Barakat. What’s up! Anyway, you’re probably reading the title of this article and thinking, “There is no way that you ended up trapped in a large ditch in Downtown Manhattan.” Well, rest assured—this is not a falsehood. I am indeed stuck in a large hole that I dug myself in Battery Park back in August.

A little bit of context as to why I decided that this would be a good idea: See, a few months ago, I bought a shovel.

It was this purchase that compelled me to risk exposure and empty my already dwindling wallet by buying a MetroCard and taking the 5 train all the way down to Battery Park. I had the bare necessities in my backpack: a shovel, a pocket knife, my laptop, and a kiddie pool. It was the middle of the night, so there wasn’t anyone to give me weird looks as I began to dig a large hole in the middle of the park.

It took me a couple of hours to finally get the hole deep enough to be comfortable. So, content with my work, I jumped in with all my stuff, and for the first time in months, I felt like I was finally able to relax. It was nice for, erm, about a week. I was able to scroll through my social media feeds without my mom yelling at me to do something productive like “take out the trash” or “walk over to the table for breakfast.” Speaking of breakfast, getting food while I was in the hole wasn’t actually that hard. I put up a sign right by it that said, “The Amazing Food Eating Hole! Try for yourself!” and the food basically began serving itself.

Looking back, I still can’t think of any problems with deciding to live in a hole in Battery Park. It was a foolproof plan. The few problems that did arise, such as the fact that I didn’t have cover from the rain and there was nowhere to go to the bathroom, were more or less absurd twists of fate that no one could have expected. But the worst problem that arose?

I couldn’t get out.

I had just sort of assumed I could shimmy my way up the hole in order to go outside, but by the first day, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never have enough upper body strength to be able to get up. I tried to text one of my friends on Messenger to rescue me, but then I remembered that I didn’t have any friends. So, I’ve been stuck in a hole for the past two months.

It’s not that bad. The worms are nice. I have one as a pet now. His name is Worm. I’m doing remote learning anyway, so it’s not like I need to leave the Battery City hole any time soon…

Wait. No. Get me out of here! This hole sucks! Someone threw a bag of dog poop in here! Why would anyone do that? There’s a trash can literally 100 feet away from here! Send help! I think Worm’s gonna murder me for that bagel! Help me! Send help! Call the fire department! Or the earth department? Whatever department deals with teens in holes, SEND HELP TO BATTERY PARK!