High School of the Sleeping-Dead

A zombie outbreak occurred at Stuyvesant High School earlier today. At around 9:00 a.m., the police received a call from inside the school about “some kid that won’t stop asking if there were notes last night.” Calls continued to pour in with phrases like, “Can I sleep in the library? I’m really tired,” and “I’m really not prepared for this AP Bio test, man.” Within hours, the school was full of sluggish children drinking from Ferry’s coffee cups (Mr. Ferry hasn’t responded to our questions regarding the supply of these cups). Within hours, the school was placed under an indefinite lockdown to determine the source of the outbreak.

According to lead CDC infectious disease scientist Dr. Nough-Itall, the cause seems to be the lack of sleep amongst students. “Because these students have well under the recommended amount of sleep per night and consume outrageous amounts of caffeine, they enter a trance-like state. I think it is safe to say that these kids are operating on autopilot, for the most part,” he said.

Through his research, he was also able to name a Patient Zero. “Through this security camera footage, we can identify one student who seemed to be under the influence of the virus before anyone else.” This student has been identified as freshman Jimmy Thompson, who is known for dozing off during class. It is hypothesized that due to the AP Biology test he was set to take today, Jimmy studied all night. His exasperation and misery mutated into a virus that he unknowingly carried to school.

Close observation reveals that symptoms of this virus include extreme drowsiness, frequent yawning, and mumbling phrases like, “Did we have homework today?” or “Does anyone have the notes from yesterday?” Students infected with this virus spread it through touch, and contact with a normal, non-affected student quickly saps all of their energy and spirit, simultaneously materializing a Ferry’s coffee cup in their hand.

Using bureaucratic red tape and three health screenings, we managed to send one of our reporters, Steve Aggerman, into Stuyvesant High School with a cameraman to give an update on the situation. “There were so many zombies. Every hallway was filled with students like a passing period. I had to dodge and weave through the horde to avoid getting infected. There’s this coffee-colored mist in the air, and students seem to do nothing but wander the halls, looking for someone to ‘give them notes’ or to ‘help them out with their homework.’ I managed to find some students and teachers hiding away in a classroom, hiding from the chaos in the hallway. They told me that they managed to survive by ‘doing the zombies’ homework’ and ‘promising to tell the teacher they were in the bathroom’ to keep the zombies at bay,” he said.

To this very moment, Stuyvesant High School is still under lockdown, receiving FEMA food and water airdrops. Both are delivered through windows into classrooms where trapped students and teachers remain, still working through the assignments of their zombified peers. Students outside during this outbreak are said to be attending Brooklyn Technical High School.

In response to the lack of sleep that caused the zombie outbreak, Principal Seung Yu, who survived by hiding in a locker, simply mumbled, “Darnit, I knew coming to this school was a bad idea. Should’ve just listened to Contreras’s warning about ‘sleep-deprived zombies.’ I thought he was just pulling my leg.”