Hitchhiker’s Guide to College Apps

Hey, everyone! Now that it’s September, seniors like me are super flippin’ stressed ‘cause we’ve gotta worry about where to throw our lives for the next four years. Of course, as it is the fate of everyone in this building, even the underclassmen will be curious about this process. Fear not! It is my pleasure to teach y’all the basics you need to get into whatever college you need to go to.

Now, you might be wondering how this guide is different from the others you’ve read on Facebook or in books. See, unlike the things I’ve just listed, this guide isn't boring, is super relatable, is not some last-minute attempt at satire by using some overdone topic, and is the ONLY guide that can cram three years of high school into three weeks! Let’s get hoppin’ into it.

Step 1. Contemplate what in the whippersnappin’ heck you’ve done with your life.

In short, just think of everything you’ve done since you were in the womb. Think of any achievements you’ve had, like making USAMO or finding out what internet corn is. Think of extracurriculars like clubs you’re a part of or have even started.

Okay, you’ve thought of something? Great. Skip to step three.

Wait, what’s that? You HAVEN’T thought of something? AND you have bad grades? In that case, great! Most of this guide will teach you how to catch up!

Step 2. Create a nonprofit.

Okay, let’s be brutally honest here: you've screwed up. And now you’ve gotta think of a spike that’ll make you stand out. Seeing The Guy She Told You Not To Worry About’s resume has gotten you really shook, and now you think your chances of getting anywhere are down the hatch.

Well, fear not, child! Wanna incorporate applications from a random field, business, and your imagination while looking like a complete saint? Simply make a nonprofit with the intent to spread education! Make sure you heavily advertise it on Facebook for maximum clout. Then, try to get adult recognition by e-mailing random people about your project. Finally, proceed to be super inactive with your organization and dismantle it at the end of June. Maintaining a nonprofit is very expensive in the long run, and you only need to pad your resume for a year.

If you believe setting one up will manage to turn your 70 overall into a 54, or worsen whatever SAT/ACT score you have, don’t worry about it! Colleges will see that you’ve devoted a lot of time and effort in making a literal company in such a short amount of time. This is no easy feat for anyone, and that’ll outweigh your crappy academic record and put you on par with some of the top students in the country. What are admissions officers gonna do, see through your plan and deem the nonprofit as a resume booster? Nonsense!

Step 3. Write essays.

Ignore the usual advice that’s usually in the form of: make it come from the heart, it’s not like a school essay, every word matters, etc. They’re lies. See, that’s what the admissions officers want you to believe. By having high schoolers follow the usual essay advice, not only do they hope to make more roast compilations of wannabe good essays, but they also want to make sure the entire process stays that way. Not only is this boring, but it’s also stressful. Thousands of people lose their minds for this sort of thing. This is your chance to help stop the madness.

You’ll want to pen this essay with a very strong introduction that immediately causes admissions officers to gasp in awe, respect, and slight concern for your mental health. Berate them with insults, write in all caps, or even write in the enchanting table language. The possibilities are endless, but you’ll REALLY stand out amongst the thousands of other applicants. Then, just repeat this process for your paragraphs, and there you go. A stand-out essay that no officer will forget any time soon.

Of course you’ll have to write multiple essays, so simply rephrase a few things and BAM! A bunch of essays uniquely tailored for any question!

Step 4. Get recs.

Many people will say that this is one of the first steps you should do when applying to college, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. As a senior, you’ll have the hardest classes you can take, so your teachers will know you well at your smartest.

But let’s say, for some reason, all your teachers hate you. That’s fine; just write the recs yourself and slap a teacher’s name on it. It’s not like your teachers will ever know, AND you can put your college essay writing skills to additional use.

And there you have it, folks: a quick and easy guide on how to get into college with just three weeks of work! No alternatives will be written as this is a sure-fire way to get in somewhere. So just relax, you’ve got nothing to worry about!